One proud momma

You know, I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready for the love and joy they will feel when they meet their very first child for the first time.. last Monday Dec 22nd my life was forever changed. Down to the contractions, the needles, medication, the nurses and the overwhelming decision to decide the difference between a vaginal delivery and a C section. It takes alot of trust in yourself. Alot in the man up above that bringing a child into this world is the right time. Having my beautiful Graysey-Hope has taught me that I deserve greatness. I deserve love. I deserve to feel that something I've always dreamed my whole life for won't ever be taken away. I have learned taking care of someone else makes you feel alive and wanted...that the gift of what you believe in and know becomes more real. I know that sometimes words can't even explain how you feel...becoming a mom to this beauty has brought out thee very best in me and I wouldn't trade any of my pregnancy for anything in this world. Happy 1 week old Graysey-Hope I love you more then life itself... I am so glad u chose me to be your mom for eternity. We have so much to look forward to in the life and we will together live the life we love...with so many who love and adore u already. Your beauty is recognized more often then not...and you leave ppl always missing you!!:) I'm proud to be you momma!!

YOU deserve great things!

                  Let me just tell you, I never knew what it was like to feel so vulnerable in my life to feel as if I could loose something completely and still at the end of the day be blessed with the one special gift, and this gift I speak of is my little angel...since the day that I found out I was pregnant I never believed that I would raise her, I always felt as though I didnt deserve it, I wasnt ready, I wouldnt be able to know what to do....and throughout the whole pregnancy, the uphill climb it has been, I have learned what it was like to hit rock bottom and move my way up..and in that process of moving up, I have been tested more often then not. Tested that I would talk with my heavenly father when everything felt as though I didnt deserve it..to be specific with him, to allow him to keep his promise in telling me that all my wildest dreams would come true...he has taught me that more often then not that I AM being heard from a loving heavenly father...and with all the priesthood blessings and keeping calm enough to talk with my heavenly father to hear him...I have learned thee most valuable lessons that the things I never thought I would understand, I do. It is almost as if it comes so natural to me. I love that the Lord puts so much trust in me to raise such a beautiful daughter and to allow him to remind me OFTEN that I am beautiful, he is giving me things to remind me that I got this.. that it would be a forever kind of change that he was giving me and  I would never again have to question what that was..I simply just had to look to my children, or more or less my daughter and in her I will/would find my answers to life because they were Gods gift to me when I feel like I just didnt understand...it was gift that I did deserve great things, I did deserve joy, I deserved to smile at the end of everyday no matter how I lived it, I deserved things that didnt always seem like I did. I deserved to have every vaid be filled...I deserved these things not because I was a favorite in Gods life, or because of the way I was..it was just simply a step forward into permanent progression.. I know that I have had to sit back at times and just trust the peace I feel..to allow experiences to just happen...I have had the chance to learn something great as well, and that was that, even when I dont know the outcome or 'WHY'....I have a much better experience then trying to force what isnt.
             I now have the chance to thank the Lord that he knew what he was doing when he gave me a daughter, simply because every time I think that she would be taken away from me...I am always reminded of her grace, to have hope, to believe and most of all to always trust in a God who will give me what I have earned.

Dont let today talk you into giving up!

If I were the one telling you anything about me, I would tell you how stubborn I am, how I fight for everything that I believe in...and I sure hate the word NO. With a world that always surrounds us with emotions, with struggles and challenges that face us on an everyday basis. I am slowly learning the value in appreciating the simple things that come together, the things that matter, the things that I am able to do and not what take away from me. So often it is easy for me to get caught up in all the things that are going wrong and I can feel the things that are going wrong. Specially when it easy to get caught up the mindset that other women around me who are pregnant are able to pay for themselves, the things that they want and need. It is easy for me to get caught up in what is going wrong, I find it easy to get caught up in the emotions of not always knowing what will come next..something about surprises and lack of control scares me, cause I have to let something else lead my life..causes me to put trust in the future. It causes me to turn to family and not always knowing the reaction I will find from them, they have always promised me that they would be there for me and guide me...but it makes me feel vulnerable and scared, I have to look at things a little more hopeful, more positive, and set an example and watch how I react...yet it has taught me to smile more often at what annoys me, I have learned to talk with my baby girl whenever I am going through anything. We have learned to play this new game where I tap on my belly and she will kick back and as we go back and forth...as i learn to talk with her and tell her how beautiful she is, tell her I cant wait to meet her. She will roll and play in my belly like she is just excited as I am.
I know that my situation seems as though I can bare it well and that nothing will seem to go wrong unless I allow it too....but when there are mornings when I wake up and feel like I am failure, that I feel like my little girl deserves a daddy to come home too, that I want someone who will provide for us and take care of us, I have wanted someone who will take away my loneliness and teach me how to be a better person..but you know in all these emotions I feel like it would be so easy to find. I remember that this isnt about finding someone...but you know thru all these emotions I have been reminded thru this whole pregnancy that God must know something that I dont... he knows that I have been prepared longer for this then I realize and that there are people all around me that have it worse then I do and sometimes it just takes me sitting back and being grateful for the simple thought that I am pregnant and I can carry life, it has taught me to smile that baby girl has the little things she needs to be taken care of...that losing 2 jobs, 3 to 4 doctor appointments a week doesnt dictate who I am as a pregnant woman, if anything it refines my story into unique things. Dont forget that the simple things are the things that will remind you to smile.

How to find the words where there not..

I wish that I could find the words that I felt the day that I felt when I set up my little beauties carseat and stroller... I was blessed enough for one thing to receive it from a very dear friend, but it was a complete nother story when I pushed it out the front door and to the sidewalk...the tears began to flow down my face that I soon would be bringing a beauty into this world that I wouldnt be able to just give off to another parent, or would leave at the end of the day..it was so much more then just that. It was the reality that this little girl was going to be my WHOLE world in just a few short weeks..that I would be the one who was going to hold her when she cried and help her understand when nothing else could.. I would be there to feed her and there to bath her...that everything she was going to learn was all up to these very moments I would be having. I was grateful for these feeling, overwhelmed with the love I had felt for her..I never knew how possible it was to love something I hadnt met yet in this life time...and we would be spending every one of these moments together, and thru this carseat and stroller, I would be carrying her around..

Some of my favorite moments with my beauty!

The lines were clear as day... two  lines staring back at me...tellin me that life was ready to hand me somethin I won't ever have taken away from me. As days have passed me by, each moment I learn reaction is everything ..it willl either benefit me, or set me back. It will help me progress or I won't be going anywhere. There are many moments in a pregnancy you will find that feeling scared is a normal feeling, feeling unsure is often common. Learning to trust what you don't know is something you just have to go thru..and the best part of all is that sometimes people know things before you even do..

A sense of relief..

Through the highs and lows of this last trimester I have to tell you that this pregnancy has been the time of my life, I look back on alllll of the moments I have shared with getting to know people and I wouldnt have my life any other way. I have come in contact with people who have taught me what it is like to serve people and expect nothing in return, I have had the chance to filter out my life with all the people who dont belong, I have had the chance to be reminded how special I am and that my story does make a big difference in others lives...that I get the chance to learn what the greatest blessing that I could ever be blessed with. There are times that I see myself as a failure and at the time I am lucky enough to be lifted up by so many people who  allow me to see how great I was created to be and the kind of mom I will be. This past week I have been in numerous amounts of doctor visits, hospital visits and moments that never felt like I was going to catch a breath...literally. When having heart problems, there is so much more that come into play, you have to learn not to get overly emotional about the things that dont matter, you gotta pay attention to every detail of how long something lasts, how is the babys movement being, to what exactly your doing to simply what is triggering it...it doesnt always make sense. It sometimes even takes feeling hopeless... yet the most comforting part that takes place in all of this has been when I get on bended knee and I tell God just where I am at...what I expect to be feeling and what I expect to be grateful for...and the thing I love the most is that God knows about each of his children is... that he doesnt allow us to talk to him for his benefit, but simply because he knows when we can talk about something out loud, it forms a sense of relief. I have found that my biggest form of relief has been thru knowing that this will all be worth it.. this will have the best gift I could ever be given.

This to shall pass..

You know, they tell you that sometimes God will push you until you can't do it anymore and I tell you what...that couldn't be more true then today! I have had a trial and error medications due to having heart problems in the last week ...and every medication has left me feeling as if there is a hopeless solution. Every doctor, every hospital visit, every ultrasound and every time I try and understand why...I plead that God only hears me..that he knows that the idea of life growing inside of me couldn't be more rewarding then it is right now. The fear began with me not knowing what to expect when I went into labor, and the fear of the unknown...questions constantly flooded my mind. No matter how many questions I had, the answers just didn't seem good enough..they didn't take out the power of what each word held... to turning it over to God with an empty belief and heart yearning for some understanding to now have a confidence to know the overwhelming feeling of peace that I will be able to live a long life to raise my stinker.. that my mission on this earth can be filled thru and by her..words can't even explain when someone can find their purpose in this life.. it is incredible what changes inside and you begin to feel like you matter and the assurance that being depended on allows you to grow...that I will be able to watch her grow up and I will have that chance to be her mother..that every moment she will ever go thru will be the ones we share together, that we find out together. The feeling of confidence I have in that brings me reassurance, brings me to calm my mind...Cause nobody can take away that accept me and the choices I'll make. Yet as my peace has been tested and confidence of what I'm holding onto...an  EKG monitor that doesn't cooperate well, has brought a frustration and  misunderstanding that nothing I do works... it makes me feel out of control and what's left in my hands will not be tangible... All I want to understand at this moment is if not now...when will she come...whether I am ready or not. I can have the reassurance I have been prepared 9 long moments for this very day! And when will I begin to understand what people are making seem like it's not a big deal..bring me a peace of mind that it is a form of protection that people are doing for me.. that I will be able to be filled with overwhelming gratitude someday soon..and until then the little things are somethin to be looked at..the things I don't get will be understood and even if they dont, they really won't matter. I have found thru every trial and error that I have greater confidence in my princess, confidence that her heart is healthy, that the way she gets excited and the way she responds to the people she is around...I know she will simply be a blessing to everyone she meets...and at the end of everyday that ends restless I have a great assurance that I'll be okay, that I can do this, that I have it in me to fight, to scare the crap out of the meds that don't work and train my heart that I am in control...that no matter how many times it tells me it's fragile I am reminded that it's up to me to remember how strong somethin can be. I am reminded that I have the power. I have the control. I have the ability to make weak things become strong.

Receiving the greatest gift

When the moment is staring you right in the face...that you cant even grab it.. how do you trust that what you see is gonna be yours? That your gonna be blessed with, something so incredible? That your gonna have something that won't leave you, that won't give up on you, that you become someone's whole world and nobody else in the world is more important to them than YOU! How overwhelming is it when you know someone wants to have you hold their hand when they're scared, they want you to be the one who kisses the booboo. That they want you to be the first one who hears alllll about their first thing. That you will be the one from the very beginning to the very end...that you will be the only person who makes the hard days, better just simply because of YOUR wisdom..that you will be the one person who they depend on and nobody in the world could EVER come close....that is what a mom is all about. That is what it's like to become a mom. When eyes speak to you that have longed to meet you.. that a little voice can melt your whole world because it salitifies who YOU are..that you aren't just another person to them! In each of these moments, you will be grateful you went to every doctor appointment, you will feel like you gained somethin from every moment you felt you wasted someone's time. It will all become CLEAR to you, just as the rain comes in to clear the darkest clouds..you will then know that every thing was worth it, she wasn't the cause of why all this had to happen, she just wanted her mommy to be okay.. she just wanted her mommy to know it's gonna be okay..she just wanted every kick to remind you that it's all gonna be worth it... You will be grateful that someone could trust you so much with such a tiny thing..it will not matter to you what you lost and what walked out...it will not matter every moment that made you feel like lonely. It will not matter to you every person who hurt you... all that will be important to you is that you see a smile on that precious face. That you will meet someone's needs by a kiss, holding them, feeding them or even changing the setting of a room alll by an attitude. Every moment that you have ever felt like you just can't do it anymore...every moment that you felt it wasn't gonna end...every moment you cried cause you were so scared. Every moment you held your breath to speak up...every moment that didn't ever feel it could end... every moment you felt utterly vulnerable, naked, out of control...every time you didn't understand why.. every single time it felt like it couldn't get any worse then what is going on...I promise you that first cry. That first time she will be placed in YOUR arms after hours of contractions, pushing and change...nothing else in the world will ever matter. Nothing else will ever measure that feeling...that feeling to know you had created LIFE! you truly do matter that much to someone and your existence is more then enough. More then just another fill in the blank. Far more then a mistake could ever be. Far more then just another person. You will exist. You will matter. You will feel alive, the reason to be alive to make someone want to face everything day in and day out, you will feel like YOU  matter, you will feel ur ability to teach makes a difference in who they will become and who they're gonna be...you will feel important cause let's be honest nothing in the world has a better then feeling depended and trusted with an outcome ..this is why becoming a mom is the greatest blessing in the whole world. :)

One step at a time

You know, as I was reflecting on all the different changes my life has made within these past 8 months of being pregnant....from the things I felt I had control over..to losing it alll to have a better life and trust in a bigger plan...,  to where my life was two years ago on November 19th the situations are so different,  the lessons I've had to learn are different and the trust in myself has become something greater..not just cause of the reliance others have on me..but now that I put my self worth into what I believe I am worth..I now trust that whether someone agrees with me or not, that I am confident in what I am sayin and doing...to now be looking at life that it isnt just where my mindset has grown and come thru...it's more like what steps did I take to get there?  That one step at a time is sometimes the only way we can make it truly daily experiences. They are things that feel like we're accomplishing something...it is taking every moment as if you have to put one foot in front of the other and trust where it's going to get you. You gotta trust that every fear can be settled with peace with a simple question of asking to calm your mind from a higher being....To the other extreme of learning that just cause it isn't said...doesn't mean that it isn't happening. It truly is incredible with specific people walk into our lives and make thee biggest impact on our hearts at the exact time we need it and never does that happen out of coincidence.. its like their example and who they are was somethin words can't describe at the perfect timing it all was. It's amazing how on the worst kind of days, does a simple smile bring so much gratitude...that their is always good people in the world...and how a friendly hello can make quite the difference in someone's day, sometimes even noticing somethin so small and important to someone can make someone feel like that they matter...and everything around them is important to you as well.  We truly will never know the impact we can make on someone until it is done to us....we don't realize how simple life can be until a baby is brought into this world and it teaches us all about time, how we have so much power in us to create something,  how people remember the things we tell them because of how it made them feel...that people trust our opinions because of our confidence in it. Don't ever forget that everything your doing is somehow gonna make a difference in someone's world!!

God has a hand in this..

I have found that if there is anything in this world I can control.  It is my water in take and my prayers that I send up to God...and the things that both of them have in common is that I will stay hydrated on every level.  From the moment my pregnancy started it has taught me how to not look at just today,  tomorrow or a few months down the road. It has caused me to not focus so much on what is going wrong and focus on all the things that can possibly go right. I have found that both of these things will bring me some sort of response to my life that I need right now. My baby has gave me some of thee greatest blessings I could ever ask for...with moments that only her and I have shared. She has taught me from the beginning that this relationship is about the two of us..that both of us are qualified for so much love for each other surrounded and by all different typses of people. my baby girl has taught me to get on bended knee often when I feel as though nothing in life make sense, that her simple and such sweet spirit shows me how often she is coming directly from heaven and from people who understands where my heart is at. That every step is a milestone to remind me that time doesn't hold still. That I just gotta keep pressing forward. I have to keep believing that as easy as it is to get stuck in thinking things aren't going anywhere. They are. Because every week brings me a bigger belly, more movement and stretching.. it has brought me more growth closer to my father in heaven, more inspiration of what his plan is for me and a deep gratitude that his timing is the best thing in my life...no matter where I am at. I have no doubt in my mind that as there are moments that shake me up in feeling, am I ready for this? Can I do this? What if all these fears come true? I have found that fear is what sets me back from seeing the most amazing miracles of alll...The ones that surround me, the ones that teach love, kindness, understanding and humility....but specially the ones where this isn't the only part of life that I'll ever know. There is so much more then this. There is gonna be times that things didn't go as planned or things didn't work out like I wanted..but the greatest part of both of them is when I finally do see WHY...and it all comes together, do I then know that every step I am making planned or not...it has a purpose,  thru the ppl I come in contact me, the lessons I learn and the appreciate of thee most simply blessing. I truly know in some way shape or form that anything is possible. It is just believing in the process that someone bigger then us...knows and understands. Not because that's the easy thing to believe in, but because it brings thee most peace in my heart.

Preterm labor

Preterm labor?  (11.14-11.15.14)
Something I'd like to call that this is so out of anyone's control...it honestly brings u to stop everything you are doing in a matter of minutes and the only voice that makes you possibly feel calm... is a mother knowing exactly what to say. A prayer being set up to God simply asking him to ease every fear. Every worry and every concern. Yet as he does that, have I found that I have been able to relax. I have been able to stay calm and I've been able to put trust in myself that what my body is doing isn't exactly normal and normal all at once..The third trimester is where the body is taking everything from you...and it is making you feel so unsure of every thing... But I have found i am in tune with my body enough to know what is going on...as i walked into the hospital the past two days I haven't always known what to expect. The worst. The best. Am I over reacting? What will the nurses be like? Will I walk out of here with some clarity...  This preterm labor has caused contractions,  sharp pains, a feeling of dilating that I never knew I could feel, it felt like pressure that I couldn't control..and amongst all those things emotions have been high...being scared,  the unknown has put me feeling unsure of the outcome of anything. But belief in everything is possible.. That has caused me to believe in God in a whole new way..he doesn't always answer right away...but my goodness does he listen to allow me to get everything off my chest..he has helped me being scared to calm do to the moments when they measure me being dilated. It is not comfortable when they use their fingers,  they have to go up pretty high to figure out if the baby is coming down...and it specially doesn't help after not having sex in over 7 months... It has been scary gettin shots in the butt that cause a stinging sensation and of all the things you hear from what ppl have gone thru..being stuck with an IV and the feeling that something cold is going thru ones veins isn't something words can really say other then a feeling of hydration..with every nurse I have felt a different feeling from the prick inside my arm...but I think the thing that scared me the most is when I didn't feel my baby girl move often today....The pain I would rather endure instead of her..The feelings of being unsure with my body is far better then her being here and not knowing....but how active she is on , she drains me most of the time...so today was one of those times it felt more pain then most days. But after two days of all of these things. I now feel more prepared for labor,  I have more trust that I can talk to God more often to trust in his timing of when my baby girl is going to come...and trust in my baby girl that she may have a mind of her own..but she is smart. She knows what's going on.. she tests her name quite often. ..and I know that as long as I don't let fear step in...things come together and I then allow better things to come out of the end result.

Moments of carrying life

Bananas, hot dogs, french fries, salsa...what is this you say? Stomach tightens, tired all the time...as if I haven't slept in years. Food cravings it feels as though I can't control...bathroom? Where is one? Food? You name it...water? Where is my wonder woman cup? Fat? Clothes don't fit? What's that you say? Welll this is what people don't tell you when you get pregnant...you don't hear about the every 2 hours of getting up and going the bathroom in the middle of the night. The times that you would rather shop for your baby, cause clothes are cheaper, clothes seem cuter and seem as though they would fit longer then what I'll ever fit in..days are getting closer, the count down begins. Do I get scared? Do I get excited? is it even worth thinking about? Well I can tell you that thee emotions are bound to happen regardless, annoyed, crying and angry.. it's all gonna happen at once. It will feel as though you wont be able to control any emotions. But amongst all these things you don't hear when getting pregnant. No emotions can be put on the fact that in a matter of weeks a belly can go flat to a bump..to a bump to an oh my gosh where did this come from? To the fishy flatter in the belly..to the gas feeling that a baby is in there, to all of a sudden one day where your belly LOOKS like it has something that is gonna bulge it's way out of you..it's hard when mornings go from throwing everything up the night before..to nothing sounding good with fear you may throw it up to where you will wake up and she will be sitting on your bladder and it feels as though everything is going to fall out of you...to where it feels as though she could kick my rib out of place..it is amazing the strength of her little body already has... it is thee most overwhelming feeling at the end of the day though to know that you get to be a momma...and when you Find a doctor who mows every fear,  insecurity and things that don't make sense.  It sure makes everything in the world feel alright. From personal experience i have been extremely blessed to find a doctor who makes light hearted of all of the things I feel like don't seem normal, he makes me laugh and turns every experience I'm going thru to see how we can make it a reality show and will answer any questions I have no matter how it sounds in my head...it's like he gets it. He knows most times then not I am just scared and will helps me feel okay again. Sooo at the end of the day..let's just say being pregnant isn't always what it seems..but nothing comes close to the moments I get tired of crying. I feel like nobody understands and feeling her movement brings nothing but comfort to know I am doin the best job I can and being blessed to become a mother is the best blessing anyone has ever gave me!

Scatter brained!

You wanna know the best part of being pregnant? The best part to me has been reactions. No matter who they are coming from..Cause I tell you what when the anger sets in that you feel like a screw up because nothing has gone as planned...nothing has been within my control...which most times then not it leaves me without reasons..but  Reactions to my belly have taught me not every look is what I think it is..reactions to the way I chose to carry myself often feels that everyone can see every wound. Every ache. Every pain. But you wanna know somethin...ppl only see our strengths...They only see what we allow them to see,  the way I get looked at and sometimes I get looked down upon..I also get looked up to for fighting every single day that my baby girl will not have a dysfunctional family to come too..she willl be surrounded by so much love around her...The hardest part is when I have to teach myself what truly matters and what doesn't..As well as finding that I say who. I say when. I say what... that brings power. That brings security. That brings hope that what I allow into my future is entirely up to every decision I will make today.  How do you know the difference of what's in my control and what will just happen? Well I have found the only way I have or ever will know the difference is...do I make excuses? Do I let the excuses control me? Do I fight past everything I am feeling and still continue on.. do I still try and find the positive? Most times out of the day the answer has always always been yes, i am positive and no nothin controls me accept me... Yes I am exhausted. My feet are swollen alot faster then I can even keep up with. Bending down doesn't have any explanation accept the fact that I can't....emotions are the exact say way. I don't have control..Most times I cry because something touches me...because I don't understand it and there are other times that emotions feel like such a rush..that the only sense of control I have is, let it be what it is...and I find hope in that...things turn out better. Things that I never felt were possible become possible. I feel a sanity in what I am doing. I let what I can't control to be what is. I also feel more happiness and excitement as I see my belly roll, as my belly has little taps that are consistent and I find she feels as I do...she eats as I do...and every bit of that is up to me...it's up to the relationship I have with God..up to what I am learning today...The beauty in such a gift how can I ever deny that I get to show him as often as I can what it means to me...and he knows that not everyday will be perfect. Not everyday I'll have things go as planned...not every moment will like I always imagined it too.. but things will be even better..things will be even more serial. You know tho. I have to tell you I truly believe she's coming around Christmas time...and in the next few weeks will teach me how strong I am..it will teach me how things are possible. It will teach me exactly what hope is..what peeing is..what being hungry is..how breathing is important to me...how her kicks matter to me..how voices will affect her..how everyone's opinion of what a mother I'll be, will become..Real! In moments every thing I never thought I could do will mean I can. Everything that said I couldn't stay calm will say I can. Everything that told me I thought was the unknown Will suddenly become known. 

What if...

What if I told you that one day someone was going to come into your life and change every negative belief you've ever had about yourself...that you would some how be someone's reason to be alive and what they've been searching their whole lives to find...and simply why they wanted to be around you was because they saw every wound you had as something that lead you together and they wouldn't change anything about you? Wouldn't every thought inside of you say, why me? I didn't deserve this? I'm in no position to accept this? But what if it wasn't a blessing or a gift...it was an earning of every heartache you've gone thru, every time you got the answer no, it was there to tell you that you no longer were gonna lose something good in your life...that you no longer were gonna feel what's good and have it taken from you..You were no longer gonna feel what it was like to be given someone of something you have always wanted and have it be taken...that you never again were gonna have to change to fit someone else's mold of what they wanted you to be or who they even thought you were or could be...that they would see you as you WERE and everything you HAD been and wanted to BE...right by your side thru and thru with everything that you WOULD be is where they would always stand....that this time they wouldn't go anywhere, they wouldn't punish you for all the mistakes that you have felt were your biggest regrets. They wouldn't put you down on your hardest days, because you had a moment of ranting and raving...they'd simply smile with you, they laughed with you sometimes at you just to get your mind off the heartache that no words could fix..sometimes they talk bout any problems you had as long as you wanted to talk about them...not to shut down the conversation and never bring it up again..but they did it because they knew in the end..somewhere,  somehow there would be a smile that radiates as the much as the sun shines..As much as the shooting star reminds us that we can make wishes...This kind of love didn't need recognition, gratitude or  even a reason of why everything felt better..this kind of love was simply because they wanted you to feel that everything you have possibly done for people was finally gonna come back to you, that you would be given every possible reason to smile again. To feel alive. To feel like you exist. To feel like you are feeling again and to feel as though you can become passionate about somethin that would last..and  it would help you become who you always knew you would Be...

God doesn't limit us

You know I've thought of countless ways to know how to start this post and what would be best to say...what words would I use to explain what I am going thru...and the only thing I could feel to explain how incredible it is to feel life growing inside of you...from the movement, to the hiccups, to just her gettin bigger and the things she does I become even more aware of...by the way she kicks my bladder or the way she pushes her butt up into my ribs...or even the times that I can't hold it anymore to go the bathroom...or even the way bending over to tie my shoes or to shave...it feels like a marathon. It reminds me how every little bit of energy I putting into myself, it is coming out in one way or another. It simply opens up my eyes to know we each need life, and the power God has to allow our bodies to take each breath is simply incredible and thru us we are able to provide that for someone else who is preparing to come to this earth..it isn't always easy to look at life as a single step at a time...it often times when your so use to planning out life, makes you feel like your an awful person/parent because you have to take things like a grain of salt..you've got to let it come and go...but also most of the time we have to cry things out to get us to the next experience to come to understand no amount of worry can change a circumstance and no amount of struggle will make things turn for the better...it is all within our attitudes, do we then find gratitude,  perspective,  understanding and most of all do we feel like it possible to feel like we can be carried thru to our next circumstance and situation. We then don't dwell on what isn't and we focus on what is... we allow ourselves to receives what often God waits to give us...that he can only give things to people who want it...and sometimes even to the ones who don't deserve it..and not because he looks at us any less then his children..but simply because God understands that our mood doesn't limit our blessings. It limits our gratitude and perspective.

My situation is mine, cause I CAN handle it!

Life has a way of handing us the things that we can handle..but what it doesn't come with is the details of why they come..we find all that out with every step we take in the direction we take. We can't guarantee any prediction we make of the future. I can tell you that the impressions we receive aren't always for our own benefit. But there are times life comes along and we have to take time to care about ourselves,  we have to take time to fix what is broken. I am learning somethin valuable lately and it has caused me to take a second look at myself when they say you can fake it til you make it...it's not always the case in life. We have to study it out, we have to trust in what is.
My little ray of sunshine has taught me how grateful I am for the situation  I am in and this gratitude isn't just by walking up every morning with a thankful heart...it has gone much deeper then that. It has taught me that having to check my blood sugar levels four times a day is a lot better then having a baby in the hospital, a lot better then having my little girl taken from me, it has made me to appreciate that as hard as it is to not share every experience with a man...that I am grateful that I will be the one who gets to experience all her firsts, I will be the one working one on one with God of how to be thee very best mother...how to be the kind that takes care of myself and still makes my little angel the number one priority she was born to be... I know that people have seen since day one what a great mother I'd one day be...but u know I never knew that existed cause fear kept me going. It's kept me believing in things moving forward until recently with utter prayer of pleading that God would teach me how to be patient with myself, how he would teach me how to allow my confidence in me to shine..and not just what people believe to be. Through all of these different experiences thru my pregnancy...my favorite thing of it all has been learning about the growth she is going thru to get here to be with me...that her little heart is the size of a quarter, her little hands go into the shape of an 'I love you' sign just reminding me of how she knows the little things her uncle's/great great grandparents do...how her little body has hiccups, and how voices she has never heard won't be her reason of listening and the ones she is aware of that she will still continue to do her thing. I love that nothing about her is made up by how people want her to be...that she holds herself strong, and I see that by the way she holds a hand close to her heart and the other always by her face with her little legs crossed and being a little lady. How can you be any more excited then simply knowing that your own daughter is smart, beautiful and her own person.

Seeking peace within

Day one passes by...nothin! Day two passes...should of been somethin...but nothin again...day three is here and the news is about to make or break my day...feeling scared,  unsure, in denial, the voice on the other line tells me that your whole world is getting ready to change...ready or not! I didn't ever believe that when I got pregnant this little girl would put "hope" more to the test then lately....and when I say that, it simply is the ray of sunshine that comes out after sitting in the darkness and nothing has seemed to go your way. On October 27th my whole world changed..the way I ate, how much I exercised would determine how much I would either deal with my body reacting to food or me choosing what to eat and not allowing the food to control me. Having diabetes when your pregnant puts a whole another emotion on you...In a whole new way. You simply feel limited,  you don't understand,  and you become more sensitive to how others handle your situation. I knew going into this trimester that it would be the long stretch...what I wasn't prepared for was the emotions that came with it all.. I wasn't expecting the times I would need to keep the tissues a little closer then I normally would,  I would need to keep a close friend around to allow me to vent out every frustration,  every misunderstanding and someone who pulled out the good in every situation I was given... my pregnancy is teaching me to appreciate the way things are going and look at things as empowerment and life experiences. They have taught me to smile at life when it throws out every possibility it can't happen.. it's taught me to trust what I don't understand is a lesson I am goin to learn when the timing is exactly right and I've gained the experience to hear the news. I truly believe we are taught who we are at the right timing and the right experiences.. and some of the greatest things we learn is finding peace within ourselves and not getting so caught up in what isn't and find what is... we then in a matter of seeking peace do we allow it to overflow in our lives to be calm in circumstances that don't come with all the answers.

In what form are your blessings coming in?

You know it can be quite overwhelming when you can't reach something you know will benefit you in some way or another...I have also learned how frustrating it can be when you just want to know how the health of your child is.. you wanna see how big she is and how she is forming..and no matter what anyone says,  it doesn't take away any fear that could possibly run thru your mind. I have found at the end of every moment to consider that she is alive, that she is growing by her kicks daily and it's up to me to keep her as strong and healthy as possible. I can only keep as positive as I possibly can...there have been so many times that I have wanted to just say screw it all..why bother even look at the positive. But you know the best blessings that come out of being positive...it not only makes you personally feel better..but it draws attention to what's going right and you find in those moments who really cares to know what's going on or better yet who is noticing what is going on. It can be as simple as asking how I am..to touching my belly and letting me know that you notice this little squirm worm growing.  You know as much as I could tell you how hard it has been doing this on my own and learning to accept a new plan for my life then I ever had planned..I have had service be given to me, I have met people I never knew existed, I have had conversations with people that have taught me I had motherhood cut out for me..that I would be a natural..and you know I tell you that is probably one of thee hardest things to believe in when your brand new at something. When you don't know what could possibly even be normal. Well in and all of this being said something I can't deny is how involved God is and how excited I am that him and I get to regain a relationship that we once had in heaven and get to see it come alive again.. I get to learn how to trust in God when everything in me wants to feel like it isn't possible...he helps me regain trust..to believe in things that i can't see. If there is anything I've learn to grow out of this whole thing is just cause ppl don't ask doesn't mean they don't care, that everything I feel to tell people is a prompting to bless someone's life and if I am angry the only person that suffers is myself... so let's be honest live a life up to all hour expectations,  dream because you can, and have hope because it only comes when you don't let fear overrule your life.

I can't keep calm...I'm in my third trimester!

You know, late nights like tonight when I lay in bed and my mind wanders of alll the possibilities of....what will it be like to meet her, what will it be like to hold her for the first time, what will it be like to see her eyes open up as she listens to my voice...tears stream down my face as I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of becoming a mom and how my late nights will consist of rocking a little angel to sleep, watching how such a precious life could possibly be given to me...watching her eyes flutter as she dreams the night away...late nights where she will wake just to be fed...or simply be held..she reminds me that I never believed that I would be laying here at this time of night watching every movement to her trying to get comfortable...she knows exactly when bed time is...and just when the night comes to a silent night,  to the sun raising and playing a little game her and I recently started playing...that you cant deny of how smart and wonderful she already is...what a sweet little spirit that has taught me how to remind me the simplicity of trusting who I am again and how God is ever so near in my life...consistent, constant and unchanging. how could I not feel blessed when my mind reflects on every little miracle that has taken place in my life. With moments that await for me, I absorb the moments now that take me back and help me see just how near God is...how close he is... I never thought I could understand him more as a father until the day I became a mother..and realized what love he has for us as his child...and why he has done alll that he has and how easy it all is to comprehend...yet so overwhelming that someone we know and haven't seen face to face in this life time could possibly love us so deeply...that to me sets me back in a whole new way...I couldn't possibly imagine ever not being able to meet my baby girl or hear from her! It truly makes me want to regain that relationship I had once in heaven with God...to be regained with the understanding that no matter what I do...he will love me anyways. He truly has blessed me in such a way, as my little angel takes me back to the simple things....I am reminded of how we all just want that. Someone to notice us..someone to love us...someone to recognize who we are...and someone who will just tell us how it's all going to be okay. I truly know the impact of speaking what we feel, what we see...is ever so important...just cause it's not important to you doesn't mean it isn't important to someone else...but don't forget in that, just cause someone doesn't ask...doesn't mean they don't care... sometimes the way ppl respond to us is simply based on they're knowledge of the experiences they've been handed...not based on your personal beliefs about yourself...ppl don't go out of they're ways to respond to your life do to the knowledge they know. Some call it gifts to the respond with loving genuine heart....I simply call it character. We are taught to become all that we are..but its up to us what we let shape us into what we're designed to be and what we chose to let us progress when it is so simple to regress. Try to not get caught up and what isnt...and focus on all that what is...you'll be amazed on how you much relief you'll feel when you don't let others affect your response.

God loves you MORE than you know!

My life has taught me lately that I am just getting by and things are just good enough...and you know for the first time tonight I have come to the point in my life where I just want to move beyond that. I am learning to change my attitude towards complaining and have tried to make it a life that I love telling people about. I don't like feeling like I am not enjoying this pregnancy. They're is alot that I just don't understand that I wish I did. Sometimes when the answers are just so obvious....it frustrates me that I wish I just understood. I look at the science of things and it's so simple. But you know what. I tell you pregnancy is nothing like it seems. It is hard when late at night nothing is comfortable. When your baby is so sweet to you and kicks at all the right times....it often time makes me feel like how could God ever bless me...how could  he give me such a special gift and trust me that I won't screw it up. It's like I am more worried of the kind of mom I'll be verses how much God trusts me... Cause all I can think of is what if I make a mistake...what if I don't put her needs always above own. Will she hate me one day. Will she consider me a great mom even when I don't have a guy for her to come home too. I think of how I hard it is when I work an 8 hour day and I am so tired that all I can do is complain about how bad my belly is growing....when reality how harsh I am on my self is completely unnecessary. Some how I'm sure God understands how human I am...that he understands how imperfect I am and that my life won't always be in the order I believe it should be. I have come to understand that I am struggling to know how to handle my out of control life. Everyone has such an impact in my life and they're opinions hit hard....they are something I take deeper than I thought I ever believed possible... how the the value of someone is held at a different level. I have found how easy it Is to cut people out..and just let them leave.. I don't take time to try and understand why people have the opinions they do... I find myself attaching my heart to the genuine people I know will be there..but to the people who can't even hold a conversation without it going deeper then the surface and a conversation where I know I'd be highly talked about or where I feel comfortable after the conversation is over. I don't want those type of people around that i dont get those things from..the ones that won't ask the hard questions. The ones that dont want to know what got me to where I am.. and in all of this I have grown to believe that the ones who are around..care! I now see the people I trust...I know have people I defend... I now have people I have expectations that need to be met. I now have a different outlook on maturity. I have a new outlook for what love is suppose to feel like whenever I miss someone. Whenever I need them... I see how people respond now when I need them and people who thoughtful care to say things. My baby has taught me all of this is such a short few months... I now hold people at a level of what busy looks like and what a conversation should FEEL like. I now have come to believe the way I am feeling and promptings I get always always need an action to take place... sure enough no matter how simple it is to me..I never know what a difference it's making...yet reactions have taught me what a difference my words make. I have come to believe that just because people aren't telling me...doesn't me it isn't going on..doesn't mean that people don't care...doesn't mean people don't notice....doesn't mean I'm not making a difference..I can't control what people say to me or dont...just as my opinion or judgment isn't changing God's outlook..he knows what he's doin and I can't take that away from him..just as i can't take away anything from someone i love..

These are the times

You know I don't know if my writing makes much of a difference in someone's life...but I believe that maybe just someday my writing will become viral...to the point where everyone around the world will know of my ability to speak from the soul....to say what ppl are thinking and can't always find the words to say. That being said...tonight as I watch time pass me by...it's a new day, 30 minutes already into it...it's a spotless day.  No mistakes have been made...no conversation I've encountered that may shape my day for the better or not...and no person have I met that I've tried to impact to make they're day a little better....Instead I lay in bed.  6 and a half months pregnant, lonely and emotional as a girl can get.  I never believed that I would be that one girl who got pregnant out of wedlock. Sometimes I believe that people have labeled me as 'that girl' but in the past few months I've come to realize of what a label is...and it truly sets us up to be this person and doesn't allow us room to be anything other then that...and well what kind of life is that? Where is your motivation,  your room to breath and be all you can be, when that label pretty much says what someone made up they're opinion about... we each have endless opportunities, mistakes we get to make and trials we will all go thru..and I have never been more grateful than who I view myself as...and labels are only up to me at the end of the day! I can't change the way someone may see something. I can't influence someone else's mood into how I want them to respond differently...and more importantly it's not up to me to limit someone of all the possibilities that are in this world.
Being pregnant out of wedlock has endless rewards to it. I wouldn't trade my situation for anything in this world. I love that the end of everyday my baby girl will be with me, that the time we share together of late nights trying to get comfortable whether that be her in my belly doing that or me in my bed.. I have been able to share mornings with her, reminding her of the beauty she ALREADY carries. That in and of itself has left me lucky enough to love my body more then I ever have...where I am comfort with a few pimples on my face, my belly getting bigger and the scale telling me that there is a baby growing inside of me...I have taught myself to fight against what I normally wouldn't do by finding a 'will' in allllll things..by focusing on what IS instead of what ISN'T...and well at the end of everyday I now carry a self reflection of who I am as a woman...I am now happy of what I see...Cause little did I know....every habit, every decision, every little thing I will do, becomes a behavior my beauty will learn thru and by me...what more of an overwhelming/exciting time then just that. It truly makes me take a second look of the people I am allowing to influence my progression,  the type of people I allow in my life and if they are the kind of people I want to reflect of who I am as a woman..
Pregnancy definitely has taught me a whole new part of me that I never knew...thru every physical attribute I am developing down to the emotional end of it all...Specially when it comes to reaction to the things I allow to affect my mood and response to life's situations. At the end of every day it truly matter what I allowed myself to move forward in what I'm doing and not what i allowed to bring me  down...Cause let's be honest, people will always hold how you responded to things, to dictate your character. (Think about it..itll always stay in your mind) Make sure what your doing, is who you want to be remembered as....Cause like it or not. You are going to remembered for something in this lifetime...Specially in someone's world..whether that be the standard they hold someone too, whether it be what someone wants to be or doesn't want to be...or it simply be that stepping stone that got them to where they are...I promise you, you wouldn't be nearly the person you are today if it wasn't for every tiny little thing that this life made you of all that you are.

Simply Progression

Everything begins and ends with YOUR reaction, actions and how you view yourself!I dont believe that the answer no has ever been in my vocabulary, tell me that it isnt possible for me to do something and I promise you that everytime I will show you how possible it is for me to do.You know growing up I always found that my mom was my best friend, she was someone who said the right things, the one I told all my secrets too, the one I counted on to validate me, the one that taught me what beauty was, the one that taught me how to forgive the people who pass judgement, the people who lie to us, let them empower you, she has taught me that the most important thing as a woman is to know your worth...and these are the qualities I want my baby girl to learn as these tutu's are placed on her...I want her to look back and see the sacrifice, love, and the important role of what the word Hope means.

I have learned in this pregnancy that in a matter of a moment anything is possible of changing, specially when it comes to the physical aspect of it all. I have found the tightness means growth, that the voices of what she is told, babies respond. I have grown to learn the intelligence comes from all that I teach her, thru words, how I respond and react and what I allow.
 I have grown to find that as my Hope grows inside my heart, she gets bigger and people begin to notice. I have grown to appreciate comments that others around me make. I have grown to look for Angels and the form that they come in, I have found how easy it is to become distracted, I know that everything has a pattern and a reason. I have grown to open my heart to listen to my heart and the inspiration I so often feel and help bring the joy of it to others lives. I allow myself to ask for the things that I need and become vulnerable when someone wants to help me. I try to find the beauty in my belly growing and not focus on the pain it can cause and the uncomfortableness that I find.
The reality of becoming a mommie is becoming more evident to me daily. Not only thru my belly growing. But as the countdown tells me that I will put someone above me everytime, that I will plan my day more efficiently, that I will become more aware of my surroundings, that my heart will feel more love then I am even capable of picturing at this moment. 
It truly amazes me what a year ago can change, thru the smiles, the hair growth, the daily choices I made, what I am doing with my life and who I am living my life for and what I want to be. It has taught me in an instant that the way I view my body, my mindset, my choices, my value, my worth can change by a simple word called unconditional love.

Simple in God's precious miracles

Today on Sept 21st I celebrate being 6 months pregnant and the realization of my beauty, who I am, who I want to be and who I will be slowly has become more apparent to me almost daily. More then anything in this world do I want to meet my baby girl, I feel so often that I miss her, I want to know who she is, I want to know what she about...and for the first time I have come to reality that she is all mine, that how I raise her, how I teach her, and what she will be is up to me. How that makes me SO excited, and overwhelming at the same time to know what she will be is all up to me and what I introduce her too. It makes me want to find different things that she will become someone loves herself as she IS and doesn't need anything else to determine what she will be. I want her to be someone who wants to help people and has her priorities of what really is important, wants to be everyone's friend no matter where they come from or what they look like, who SHINES and will be a dancer that can express herself thru the words of her body that isnt used in a negative way. That she will laugh and smile and enrich others lives, that she will keep her heart open and pure. Can you picture it? It overwhelms my heart with so much joy that I get to be so blessed.
      In all those feelings of wanting this for my daughter, I find myself asking the questions on the opposite end of all this, cause lets be real not every single day is easy, not every day leaves me feeling like its gonna be simple. So these are the kind of things that run thru my mind when I dont talk about what it is I am thinking about... Have you ever just sat there wondering if anyone cared about you? How could your problems matter to someone, when as worse as it gets for you, is a simple feeling of being lonely, frustrated and just plain emotional...but you know as much as I want to say those are simple feelings, they really are complex. They take alot of will power, self control, learning when to speak up and when not too but also to know HOW to act upon them, where am I suppose to go with them. It has taught me when to reach out and when I need to figure things out for myself. I haven't always been the greatest example of how relationships should be handled, its part of why I sit in the situation I do...where everything isnt perfect, where it isnt in a marriage and the "fairy tale" ending. You know in a perfect world I would of planned my life out differently then I have lived it, but you know when I look at how AMAZINGLY blessed I am, from the things given to me without a second thought, strangers who dont even know me reach out, when I have had to apply more faith to the outcome of things then my fear, to know that I am healthy and continue to be, that whenever there are road blocks, there is always a way around, over it or under it. That thinking things could get worse, only limits us to what is going right....and in all of these things I have found my new dream, my new found Hope, but more then ever who God is to me and how incredible it is to me that he cares SO deeply and not once does he change that due to our choices, struggles or circumstances. He stays loving, kind, teaching us to be our best and putting people in our paths for the simple reminder, he loves us and that'll never change.
        I know reading this it probably has reminded you that you have felt like some of the greatest things you have in your life or have been apart of your life, can seem to good to be true... at some point in your life... So I want you to try something that I have often caught myself doing by pulling my mind of the train of thought and find what 'Hope' feels like again by seeing it thru the sun shining, the birds that peck at the floor to find food, ducks that let water just flow off their back freely. In all of that, I have captured those little moments of simplicity, my baby girls feet, kick to the lower part of my belly, to have her put her butt up in the corner of my belly just to get comfortable, to feel every moment that I celebrate her becoming. To have a chance to crave foods I use to hate and to open my world to another world of food. That to me is no doubt that a God does exist, to always remind us the details really do matter to him.
  

Which gender is going to be my first Child....?

When I look at these pictures SO many things run thru my mind... her personality, her tenderness, her love that she shows, the way this baby teaches me how much you can love something SO small,  the way that this baby moves to voices and to sounds, how this baby has opened my heart...and has been soften for SO many different reasons! I have struggled since the day I got pregnant to get insurance, from different states to different circumstances, being around different friends and family, and from my financial situations to wondering how I am gonna take care of this little one...if I can barely take care of myself, prayers always seem to go up..and what seems to change! But lately I have found, its not the answers I have wanted...its the answers that have come, are ones that I never expected...ones are better blessings that I could of ever dreamed of myself. As simple as someone telling me how beautiful I am, telling me I was in their thoughts, coming by to visit, informing me news, by a simple smile, people who come up to me and told me that everything is going to be okay and I was going to get thru it!
Well I have to tell you in my world with so many emotions I am having to strengthen as my financial turns into something new. My first ultrasound that was going to finally change everything no matter what it was going to bring me good news....It all happened so fast, first things first we began by talking to different girls at the school. (Because since I cant afford anything, I was informed if you live in AZ you are able to go to the school and get free Ultrasounds) Well the fun began when in an instant when up on the screen I saw my babies head..it covered the whole screen. HOW could this be! My baby was HUGE..with so many emotions that ran thru my mind... all I wanted to know is what gender could possibly be. I was praying for a girl...I have been around brothers my whole life and well for so many reasons I could tell you why it needed to be a little girl...
I am pleased to announce...ITS A GIRL!
I can not wait to bring this little girl into the world. She is changing my life, she is a scrim worm, she is a teaching me to have Hope, she gets everything in my body to change, she is the reason I wake up, she is the reason I cant wait for whats ahead..she surprises me everyday. She is smart, she is shy, she makes me wanna eat foods that I never would of wanted if it wasnt for her! She has definitely made me even more happy and excited of my fetish for TINY things. :)

Pregnancy does not define you as a woman

You know something about me that people who take time to get to know is that I try and focus everyday on becoming a better person..to change something about myself, to seek answers to this crazy life....and an answer I have found in the past week is learning that becoming pregnant has turned me from a lady into a woman. A woman who has to learn compassion, patience, kindness, but I believe the biggest thing I found that I learned was the way you let the experiences, trials, the feelings that transform you into who we are suppose to be...the people we talked about in heaven and planned to become. 

Pregnancy will always bring the heartburn, the random outbursts of crying, SUPER weird cravings and having weird dreams...but my favorite is going baby shopping!!! :)

I wanna tell you a little secret about this baby that will be joining me, she was something that I never planned to come into my life at this time...I never knew that her daddy would have nothing to do with her life...cause in my mind, I was going to have the "fairytale" ending...you know I would be married, I would have a home to go to everyday and be the girl who was able to stay home, cook dinner, clean the house and wait for my hubby to come home after a long day of work and we put the kids to bed and enjoy our alone time...but my life hasnt been that way..and it has been one of the biggest transitions I have had to learn to accept...my life went from this independent life...to now, where I am losing everything, my car, my place, not having a job for whatever reason that might be...(that in and of itself takes a lot of lost pride) and not having the finances to buy all the things I have always wanted...My dream was to have a nursery for my baby, to have a rocking chair, to have a stroller, and a highchair....but you know the dream that I had always in visioned has brought me a new dream. A dream where I spend moments crying with my BBFF (my mom) we get to go find $1 outfits, I get to experience the blessing of people being so kind to reach out and want help me. I get to experience the feeling of a single woman, I get to experience what I have always believed I would be and watch it come to past. But the biggest thing that I have come to grips with is letting go..Letting go of what does NOT matter, what should not come between me and the baby, what wont define me as woman.

Sunday was a life changing day in my life, I dont know if there are any other girls

 out there going thru something as similiar as I am...but I highly doubt I am the only one going thru it and that is being pregnant out of marriage and I am LDS. People could talk about this subject for hours...Trust me, I know this..but my point of it to bring it up isnt to bash on how judgmental people can be and how the church has a huge part in family. My point to bring up the emotions that people dont talk about. It is so hard to sit in a room in relief society when you can look around and you find that these women have a man who provides for them, that their finances SEEM to be taken care of...and that is when reality hits you and you begin to feel like a failure. You feel like you are the only one in the world who is going thru such an experience, you think of all the could of, should of and would of's...but a lesson I have come to learn is LET people think what they want..but that is NOT what defines you as a woman, that doesn't define your character, it does not define your potential and it doesnt take away God's love that he has for you. If anything it helps you learn what his love is ALL about and it inspires you even more to become the parent that you wanna be. A parent who looks past your faults, who looks past your mistakes, who loves you for your shortcomings, for what is to make/shape you into ALL you are to come.

Something about Pregnancy teaches you that life will begin to line up, things will change for you, and not for any other reason but to prepare you for bigger and better things.

Pregnancy is all about Progression!

There are women all around me, getting pregnant...creating life and bringing it into this world...and what more comfort that can bring to a heart that feels so uncontrolled of her emotions and the world around her. Yet thru the lack of control, comes experience, knowledge and trials that often words cant even be put on them and that is what often sets each of us apart from one another. Because just cause the process of creating life is the same...life outside the belly isn't.

As this journey began for me, when a baby changed everything..I was going to begin it with the baby's dad, Jared Astel. We had everything that seemed to be "perfect" exactly how anyone would want there life to be. In love, a baby on its way, and fiances that would take care of everything that was the in between. The things that seem to be put together and less talked about. This baby wasnt planned, but if it were to happen I felt like we were ready for the challenges, the excitement and all the changes that would come into play...its amazing when serious things in life happen, does it truly bring out a side of someone that not everyone around us gets to see...

As that side of him became more evident to me...you know that side where I saw how irresponsible he was. How that trickled into everything in his life and who he was...and what kind of life is that where you feel more lonely next to that person, then you do when they are away.

 I knew I had a decision that would change everything going on around me, it would change the dream job I had been working at, Independence that I only found at the end of everyday, simply because every decision I ever made was set on, whether I wanted to do it or not. By those decisions it either effected my fiances, where I was living, what I was driving and what I was eating..I had nobody else was going to pick up that slack or the other end of this decision would be that...I had to begin to live a life where family would be around, I would go through moments I could no longer share with a man that I would spend late night talks with of what our baby would be like, what our future of raising this child could be like. That I would struggle everyday with the demons, emotions, feelings that I never had dealt with, I would have family around that I would be listening to their struggles and concerns while I still held myself up....and at the end of the day I would be no longer living a life for myself anymore, but I would be stript of all the independence that I had grown to know and have it be replaced with dependence on others. 

Well some of you may look at this as, that is easy why wouldn't you want to be around people who would support you, love you unconditionally and would help you hold that end of the responsibilities you were to yet encounter. 

I had finally made a decision to leave my selfishness in another state and pick up everything I knew and put my faith into a new future I had no clue what was going to happen. It has taken me nearly 3 months to realize who I use to be...wasnt who I am becoming.  In these months, I have gone through moments of feeling like this could be a miscarriage, feelings of a failure, lack of income hurts the soul, cause not even the comfort to stay positive doesnt make us realize what weighs on our hearts, feelings of frustration of never feeling weight be put on that puts us into a reality that I cant fit into anything. Other feelings of any worth or even feeling that beauty exists somewhere inside of me...cause isnt it obvious why I would feel such a way.. 

Most women that I know of are excited to bring life to this world, they have support of a spouse, family and most of them have jobs to be prepared when this baby comes into this world. Most get excited at every step of the way from the moment we realize we are pregnant, to the times we hear the heartbeat, to growing out of clothes and our bellies stretch to fit such a small yet big thing, to feeling the baby, to finding out the gender....well you get the point. Excitement is more of the common feeling then constant feelings of being scared.  

Well the point of this post is to tell you that my pregnancy has been no where near a fairytale...but a great realization that this has all become a great analogy of progression. Whether you take that as being physical, emotional, or just all around. I am not the same woman I was when I first found out to this very moment.