There are women all around me, getting pregnant...creating life and bringing it into this world...and what more comfort that can bring to a heart that feels so uncontrolled of her emotions and the world around her. Yet thru the lack of control, comes experience, knowledge and trials that often words cant even be put on them and that is what often sets each of us apart from one another. Because just cause the process of creating life is the same...life outside the belly isn't.
As this journey began for me, when a baby changed everything..I was going to begin it with the baby's dad, Jared Astel. We had everything that seemed to be "perfect" exactly how anyone would want there life to be. In love, a baby on its way, and fiances that would take care of everything that was the in between. The things that seem to be put together and less talked about. This baby wasnt planned, but if it were to happen I felt like we were ready for the challenges, the excitement and all the changes that would come into play...its amazing when serious things in life happen, does it truly bring out a side of someone that not everyone around us gets to see...
As that side of him became more evident to me...you know that side where I saw how irresponsible he was. How that trickled into everything in his life and who he was...and what kind of life is that where you feel more lonely next to that person, then you do when they are away.
I knew I had a decision that would change everything going on around me, it would change the dream job I had been working at, Independence that I only found at the end of everyday, simply because every decision I ever made was set on, whether I wanted to do it or not. By those decisions it either effected my fiances, where I was living, what I was driving and what I was eating..I had nobody else was going to pick up that slack or the other end of this decision would be that...I had to begin to live a life where family would be around, I would go through moments I could no longer share with a man that I would spend late night talks with of what our baby would be like, what our future of raising this child could be like. That I would struggle everyday with the demons, emotions, feelings that I never had dealt with, I would have family around that I would be listening to their struggles and concerns while I still held myself up....and at the end of the day I would be no longer living a life for myself anymore, but I would be stript of all the independence that I had grown to know and have it be replaced with dependence on others.
Well some of you may look at this as, that is easy why wouldn't you want to be around people who would support you, love you unconditionally and would help you hold that end of the responsibilities you were to yet encounter.
I had finally made a decision to leave my selfishness in another state and pick up everything I knew and put my faith into a new future I had no clue what was going to happen. It has taken me nearly 3 months to realize who I use to be...wasnt who I am becoming. In these months, I have gone through moments of feeling like this could be a miscarriage, feelings of a failure, lack of income hurts the soul, cause not even the comfort to stay positive doesnt make us realize what weighs on our hearts, feelings of frustration of never feeling weight be put on that puts us into a reality that I cant fit into anything. Other feelings of any worth or even feeling that beauty exists somewhere inside of me...cause isnt it obvious why I would feel such a way..
Most women that I know of are excited to bring life to this world, they have support of a spouse, family and most of them have jobs to be prepared when this baby comes into this world. Most get excited at every step of the way from the moment we realize we are pregnant, to the times we hear the heartbeat, to growing out of clothes and our bellies stretch to fit such a small yet big thing, to feeling the baby, to finding out the gender....well you get the point. Excitement is more of the common feeling then constant feelings of being scared.
Well the point of this post is to tell you that my pregnancy has been no where near a fairytale...but a great realization that this has all become a great analogy of progression. Whether you take that as being physical, emotional, or just all around. I am not the same woman I was when I first found out to this very moment.
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