Scatter brained!

You wanna know the best part of being pregnant? The best part to me has been reactions. No matter who they are coming from..Cause I tell you what when the anger sets in that you feel like a screw up because nothing has gone as planned...nothing has been within my control...which most times then not it leaves me without reasons..but  Reactions to my belly have taught me not every look is what I think it is..reactions to the way I chose to carry myself often feels that everyone can see every wound. Every ache. Every pain. But you wanna know somethin...ppl only see our strengths...They only see what we allow them to see,  the way I get looked at and sometimes I get looked down upon..I also get looked up to for fighting every single day that my baby girl will not have a dysfunctional family to come too..she willl be surrounded by so much love around her...The hardest part is when I have to teach myself what truly matters and what doesn't..As well as finding that I say who. I say when. I say what... that brings power. That brings security. That brings hope that what I allow into my future is entirely up to every decision I will make today.  How do you know the difference of what's in my control and what will just happen? Well I have found the only way I have or ever will know the difference is...do I make excuses? Do I let the excuses control me? Do I fight past everything I am feeling and still continue on.. do I still try and find the positive? Most times out of the day the answer has always always been yes, i am positive and no nothin controls me accept me... Yes I am exhausted. My feet are swollen alot faster then I can even keep up with. Bending down doesn't have any explanation accept the fact that I can't....emotions are the exact say way. I don't have control..Most times I cry because something touches me...because I don't understand it and there are other times that emotions feel like such a rush..that the only sense of control I have is, let it be what it is...and I find hope in that...things turn out better. Things that I never felt were possible become possible. I feel a sanity in what I am doing. I let what I can't control to be what is. I also feel more happiness and excitement as I see my belly roll, as my belly has little taps that are consistent and I find she feels as I do...she eats as I do...and every bit of that is up to me...it's up to the relationship I have with God..up to what I am learning today...The beauty in such a gift how can I ever deny that I get to show him as often as I can what it means to me...and he knows that not everyday will be perfect. Not everyday I'll have things go as planned...not every moment will like I always imagined it too.. but things will be even better..things will be even more serial. You know tho. I have to tell you I truly believe she's coming around Christmas time...and in the next few weeks will teach me how strong I am..it will teach me how things are possible. It will teach me exactly what hope is..what peeing is..what being hungry is..how breathing is important to me...how her kicks matter to me..how voices will affect her..how everyone's opinion of what a mother I'll be, will become..Real! In moments every thing I never thought I could do will mean I can. Everything that said I couldn't stay calm will say I can. Everything that told me I thought was the unknown Will suddenly become known.