My life has taught me lately that I am just getting by and things are just good enough...and you know for the first time tonight I have come to the point in my life where I just want to move beyond that. I am learning to change my attitude towards complaining and have tried to make it a life that I love telling people about. I don't like feeling like I am not enjoying this pregnancy. They're is alot that I just don't understand that I wish I did. Sometimes when the answers are just so obvious....it frustrates me that I wish I just understood. I look at the science of things and it's so simple. But you know what. I tell you pregnancy is nothing like it seems. It is hard when late at night nothing is comfortable. When your baby is so sweet to you and kicks at all the right times....it often time makes me feel like how could God ever bless me...how could he give me such a special gift and trust me that I won't screw it up. It's like I am more worried of the kind of mom I'll be verses how much God trusts me... Cause all I can think of is what if I make a mistake...what if I don't put her needs always above own. Will she hate me one day. Will she consider me a great mom even when I don't have a guy for her to come home too. I think of how I hard it is when I work an 8 hour day and I am so tired that all I can do is complain about how bad my belly is growing....when reality how harsh I am on my self is completely unnecessary. Some how I'm sure God understands how human I am...that he understands how imperfect I am and that my life won't always be in the order I believe it should be. I have come to understand that I am struggling to know how to handle my out of control life. Everyone has such an impact in my life and they're opinions hit hard....they are something I take deeper than I thought I ever believed possible... how the the value of someone is held at a different level. I have found how easy it Is to cut people out..and just let them leave.. I don't take time to try and understand why people have the opinions they do... I find myself attaching my heart to the genuine people I know will be there..but to the people who can't even hold a conversation without it going deeper then the surface and a conversation where I know I'd be highly talked about or where I feel comfortable after the conversation is over. I don't want those type of people around that i dont get those things from..the ones that won't ask the hard questions. The ones that dont want to know what got me to where I am.. and in all of this I have grown to believe that the ones who are around..care! I now see the people I trust...I know have people I defend... I now have people I have expectations that need to be met. I now have a different outlook on maturity. I have a new outlook for what love is suppose to feel like whenever I miss someone. Whenever I need them... I see how people respond now when I need them and people who thoughtful care to say things. My baby has taught me all of this is such a short few months... I now hold people at a level of what busy looks like and what a conversation should FEEL like. I now have come to believe the way I am feeling and promptings I get always always need an action to take place... sure enough no matter how simple it is to me..I never know what a difference it's making...yet reactions have taught me what a difference my words make. I have come to believe that just because people aren't telling me...doesn't me it isn't going on..doesn't mean that people don't care...doesn't mean people don't notice....doesn't mean I'm not making a difference..I can't control what people say to me or dont...just as my opinion or judgment isn't changing God's outlook..he knows what he's doin and I can't take that away from him..just as i can't take away anything from someone i love..
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