You know, they tell you that sometimes God will push you until you can't do it anymore and I tell you what...that couldn't be more true then today! I have had a trial and error medications due to having heart problems in the last week ...and every medication has left me feeling as if there is a hopeless solution. Every doctor, every hospital visit, every ultrasound and every time I try and understand why...I plead that God only hears me..that he knows that the idea of life growing inside of me couldn't be more rewarding then it is right now. The fear began with me not knowing what to expect when I went into labor, and the fear of the unknown...questions constantly flooded my mind. No matter how many questions I had, the answers just didn't seem good enough..they didn't take out the power of what each word held... to turning it over to God with an empty belief and heart yearning for some understanding to now have a confidence to know the overwhelming feeling of peace that I will be able to live a long life to raise my stinker.. that my mission on this earth can be filled thru and by her..words can't even explain when someone can find their purpose in this life.. it is incredible what changes inside and you begin to feel like you matter and the assurance that being depended on allows you to grow...that I will be able to watch her grow up and I will have that chance to be her mother..that every moment she will ever go thru will be the ones we share together, that we find out together. The feeling of confidence I have in that brings me reassurance, brings me to calm my mind...Cause nobody can take away that accept me and the choices I'll make. Yet as my peace has been tested and confidence of what I'm holding onto...an EKG monitor that doesn't cooperate well, has brought a frustration and misunderstanding that nothing I do works... it makes me feel out of control and what's left in my hands will not be tangible... All I want to understand at this moment is if not now...when will she come...whether I am ready or not. I can have the reassurance I have been prepared 9 long moments for this very day! And when will I begin to understand what people are making seem like it's not a big deal..bring me a peace of mind that it is a form of protection that people are doing for me.. that I will be able to be filled with overwhelming gratitude someday soon..and until then the little things are somethin to be looked at..the things I don't get will be understood and even if they dont, they really won't matter. I have found thru every trial and error that I have greater confidence in my princess, confidence that her heart is healthy, that the way she gets excited and the way she responds to the people she is around...I know she will simply be a blessing to everyone she meets...and at the end of everyday that ends restless I have a great assurance that I'll be okay, that I can do this, that I have it in me to fight, to scare the crap out of the meds that don't work and train my heart that I am in control...that no matter how many times it tells me it's fragile I am reminded that it's up to me to remember how strong somethin can be. I am reminded that I have the power. I have the control. I have the ability to make weak things become strong.
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