You know my whole life I had alway dreamed of the kind of mom I'd be and how I would gone about becoming it. It's almost like I had a perfect dream of how I wanted things to be. Life seemed simple when I was young. I would be able to marry the love my life, settle down, be established in having a home, our vehicles and boat...the whole 9 yards. Yet the older I have become. Things have become complicated. Real life tells you that you will lose your job, graduating high school isn't easy, and neither is starting a family. Sex is easier then falling in love. When things get hard it's easier to bail then working it out... And when I established that I could have things easier then work for it. I took it and ran with it. It made me feel like just maybe somethin easy I wouldn't have to invest all my time in something and have it not work out. January of 2014 was a month that reminded me that someone could be interested in me after a long hard two years of overcoming my abuse, the manipulation as well as the struggle of being alone. Things progressed with this someone. He seemed like the real thing. The one I felt like there was a future with. He had seemed like he had gone thru a lot in his life...and I needed someone who understood that life wasn't easy. He seemed to fit that need. Well as time progressed, every lie came up, girls that he cheated on me with came out to tell me the truth, and with the lose of his job and feeling like I was the only one who brought in the income. I lacked feeling needed. Wanted. Loved. So unrealistically speaking. Pregnancy would solve that. We both felt like we had known our daughter before this life and so why wouldn't we try to get pregnant. Without even realizing it, it was easier then we thought. Yet what I didn't realize was that someone leaving me was just as easy. He and I walked away from everything we thought would last forever in May 2014. My thoughts felt simple. I have seen other moms do this. So why couldn't I. Pregnancy was easy, right? You get sick. You feel kicks. And find out what your having. Enjoy the process and you have the baby. Hahaha. Oh boy was I kidding. What they don't tell you when you get pregnant is how much you'll worry. How nothing seems sure. How you struggle with the number on the scale. You struggle trying to keep any sort of food down. Everything makes you feel fat and tired doesn't even begin to do justice with what your feeling. Nights become longer because you can't sleep and all you want is have someone that will hold you. Specially becoming pregnant out of wedlock. Then nothing ever is certain. Every one has their own opinions of your situation. People mention adoption. I am a disappointment. That what was I thinking. Yet these feelings and words don't just go away. They stay with you. They make you feel like God hates you. That all you are is a screw up. That nobody will ever fall in love with you. With my personal experience, work became harder and harder to find. The phone call that never came made me go crazy and watching how my baby daddy so easily was able to move on to find himself getting another girl pregnant. Leaving her and getting married. All within less then a years time of us not being together and thru allll of this not a phone call came. Not even a text. Words can't even explain how emotional that is.. I always knew that this was gonna be something I would let empower me. I would show everyone and myself I didn't need a man to take care of me. I'd figure it out. But what I didn't realize is how the day she was born how badly I wanted a guy to hold my hand and I wanted to know that I would have a first with someone. Crying together knowing we just made that beautiful baby together. I wanted him to brush my hair and talk to my precious baby inside. I wanted him to hold my hand. To scrub in so he would be the first one to hold our baby. I wanted to have him be that one person who stayed with me ALLL thru the night just waiting when our baby girls birth day was. Yet as she was born and the whole world stopped. The day's turned into recovery. The moments of dressing, bathing and feeding my baby girl was so fulfilling. Yet so often I have caught myself falling apart. I wanted a man thru the nights I peeled my eyes open to feed her. I wanted my husband rock her to bed. Nothing inside ever is the same when your doing double the work. Double the trouble. Your shoulders feel heavy. Your tears become more often and moving forward is all you can do. I can't pretend that my journey as Breklie has been easy. Every day is a constant reminder to me that even tho I have people who are willing to hold her. Willing to watch her and be there for me to listen. It doesn't take away how I want to be a team with someone. How I wish I could take away every negative thought that anyone has ever told me about my situation. Even though right now my situation is me being a single mom. My point to all this is simply that don't judge a situation just how it seems. Just because the pictures say happiness. The words are there. It will never take away how you see every happy couple with their baby and the desire to have somethin finally feel complete.
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