Real life as a single mom for me.

When I wrote this. I am not looking for sympathy or the positives. I just wanted it as raw and true as what it has been for me to be a single mom. :)

You know my whole life I had alway dreamed of the kind of mom I'd be and how I would gone about becoming it. It's almost like I had a perfect dream of how I wanted things to be. Life seemed simple when I was young. I would be able to marry the love my life, settle down, be established in having a home, our vehicles and boat...the whole 9 yards. Yet the older I have become. Things have become complicated. Real life tells you that you will lose your job, graduating high school isn't easy, and neither is starting a family. Sex is easier then falling in love. When things get hard it's easier to bail then working it out... And when I established that I could have things easier then work for it. I took it and ran with it. It made me feel like just maybe somethin easy I wouldn't have to invest all my time in something and have it not work out. January of 2014 was a month that reminded me that someone could be interested in me after a long hard two years of overcoming my abuse, the manipulation as well as the struggle of being alone. Things progressed with this someone. He seemed like the real thing. The one I felt like there was a future with. He had seemed like he had gone thru a lot in his life...and I needed someone who understood that life wasn't easy. He seemed to fit that need. Well as time progressed, every lie came up, girls that he cheated on me with came out to tell me the truth, and with the lose of his job and feeling like I was the only one who brought in the income. I lacked feeling needed. Wanted. Loved. So unrealistically speaking. Pregnancy would solve that. We both felt like we had known our daughter before this life and so why wouldn't we try to get pregnant. Without even realizing it, it was easier then we thought. Yet what I didn't realize was that someone leaving me was just as easy. He and I walked away from everything we thought would last forever in May 2014. My thoughts felt simple. I have seen other moms do this. So why couldn't I. Pregnancy was easy, right? You get sick. You feel kicks. And find out what your having. Enjoy the process and you have the baby. Hahaha. Oh boy was I kidding. What they don't tell you when you get pregnant is how much you'll worry. How nothing seems sure. How you struggle with the number on the scale. You struggle trying to keep any sort of food down. Everything makes you feel fat and tired doesn't even begin to do justice with what your feeling. Nights become longer because you can't sleep and all you want is have someone that will hold you. Specially becoming pregnant out of wedlock. Then nothing ever is certain. Every one has their own opinions of your situation. People mention adoption. I am a disappointment. That what was I thinking. Yet these feelings and words don't just go away. They stay with you. They make you feel like God hates you. That all you are is a screw up. That nobody will ever fall in love with you. With my personal experience, work became harder and harder to find. The phone call that never came made me go crazy and watching how my baby daddy so easily was able to move on to find himself getting another girl pregnant. Leaving her and getting married. All within less then a years time of us not being together and thru allll of this not a phone call came. Not even a text. Words can't even explain how emotional that is.. I always knew that this was gonna be something I would let empower me. I would show everyone and myself I didn't need a man to take care of me. I'd figure it out. But what I didn't realize is how the day she was born how badly I wanted a guy to hold my hand and I wanted to know that I would have a first with someone. Crying together knowing we just made that beautiful baby together. I wanted him to brush my hair and talk to my precious baby inside. I wanted him to hold my hand. To scrub in so he would be the first one to hold our baby. I wanted to have him be that one person who stayed with me ALLL thru the night just waiting when our baby girls birth day was. Yet as she was born and the whole world stopped. The day's turned into recovery. The moments of dressing, bathing and feeding my baby girl was so fulfilling. Yet so often I have caught myself falling apart. I wanted a man thru the nights I peeled my eyes open to feed her. I wanted my husband rock her to bed. Nothing inside ever is the same when your doing double the work. Double the trouble. Your shoulders feel heavy. Your tears become more often and moving forward is all you can do. I can't pretend that my journey as Breklie has been easy. Every day is a constant reminder to me that even tho I have people who are willing to hold her. Willing to watch her and be there for me to listen. It doesn't take away how I want to be a team with someone. How I wish I could take away every negative thought that anyone has ever told me about my situation. Even though right now my situation is me being a single mom. My point to all this is simply that don't judge a situation just how it seems. Just because the pictures say happiness. The words are there. It will never take away how you see every happy couple with their baby and the desire to have somethin finally feel complete. 

Your chance to move forward!

You know I don't know what it's like to be a mom of more then one child. But what I do know is just how everything is a learning lesson and one of the hardest ones I have had to learn is putting my trust into men that they will take care of someone important to me. This last week for the first time to allow what I couldn't see. Turn into one of the greatest things I have done. For the first time in months. I felt like I was taking a breath for myself. I felt like I missed my baby girl and cuddles became more meaningful. Moments she laughed made my heart melt and pictures of her thru another eyes taught me that this world is more than just thru my eyes.  

This moment prepared for me when the moment came and I had to take care of this sick beauty. I was able to realize the reason that we have certain people on our lives is simple. It is to allow us to progress. It helps us become who we are and if there are people that aren't in your life now. Let them go! You need to learn characteristics to be who you are. Something we learn as parents is they give us the opportunity to constantly move forward. Even when today seems like you need a break. You need a chance to move forward. Don't forget every circumstance is only yours...simply because you need it!

Something personal!

When I got pregnant I was determined I would breast feed. Nothing would stop me. Yet when the time came. Emotionally I was not prepared for the lack of control I would be facing. I often learned that sometimes things really aren't as they seem. Well let me tell you something very personal bout me. I have been on WIC to help me get up on my feet. Well when I had applied I felt it would be easy. I would go into a store. Get my food. Give the cashier my check and put my groceries in my car. Ha! Boy, was I kidding myself. It isn't that simple. I am lacking that extra hand. The one that helps me know the food I can and can not get. The hand to hold when it feels as every possible eye in the store is on you and the hand that helps you remember what this was all for. Yet these moments of every month I have been extremely blessed meeting people. Ones I would of never knew existed. Not because I wasn't looking. But because I am reminded how to bond with people, how to have conversations with strangers. How a little help can go a long way and even when I feel everyone is watching. I know how it feels to be this low. I know how it feels to not have the means to take care of yourself and just how hard that can be emotionally. So sometimes the situations that seem the hardest on you emotionally. There is a lesson to be learned In that moment. Just gotta search for it!!

Why she was given to me.

Clearly, I don't have alot of time on my hands...that I can just post, whenever I feel like it. But the moments I do find I need to post, Are the times that I KNOW someone, somewhere, needs to hear this....you know like most moms their biggest worry that isn't talked about is, having an ugly baby....and when Breklie was born....to me, she was this girl who was given to me from Heavenly Father and I was gonna mother this angel that just came from heaven. How was I gonna do this? I didn't know how I was gonna dress her? How I was gonna make bottles? What would I do if she got hurt? And my biggest fear never came true. 

Anxiety came. Things I was scared of that I never knew I could be, now existed. And talking to people and learning who I was...as a person, now had a label I had to live up too. Well thru the questions, lack of answers and discovering...not a day has gone by that i haven't been reminded JUST how lucky I am and how lucky Breklie is. I have been given a beauty I never knew that even existed in myself and it shows in just who Breklie is. In her smile. In her eyes. In her personality.. I have come to know that babies are our constant reminders, of what we often forget. They depend on us for everything and all we are as women. They tend to slow us down when nothing seems to be going right and they give us a chance to understand the most simple things in life. So I want you to remember just because things have changed. It just means your becoming exactly who your suppose to be. 

You can't rush the time!

You know becoming a mom, thru your pregnancy your mind rushes thru so many thoughts. What will your baby be like? What will do and not do? Timing of life kicks in and it feels like lit is happening so fast. You see how different people have clothes, a nursery, the next best thing for their babies and sometimes it is easy to get caught up in feeling like your the only one whose trying to figure out how you are gonna pay for diapers and wipes. You know over the weeks as I have watched husbands hold their babies, men take on children that aren't theirs and how people can step into situations and make the most of it. As some of the most important in my life have taught me that I have just done things out of order. And that is OKAY!! It is different life lessons I will learn. Well in these lessons I have learned I have found how my beauty is doing things to at different times. She isn't doin everything at the same exact time as others her age...and I have found how easily that can get discouraging. It makes me look at how I am not doing my job as a mom...that is she becoming exactly who she needs to be? Have I gave her the life she deserves? You know what I have found thru these moments. It isn't the timing of of children. It is the fact that they are doin it. That is enough! it is enjoying the moment your child is learning characteristics. Ones that they will take with them as they handle life experiences. So when you are down and don't understand why your baby is up to par. Focus on all the things they ARE DOING!!! 

What is a single parent definded by?

Let me start with this thought, being a single mom..it is not dictated by marriage, or someone who died. It gives you a label to children and depending on your status of where your husband is, is exactly what makes us feel all alone. it is those moments you discover the extra hands that were once there. The help when you emotionally couldn't do it anymore.. Whether it be emotionally, physically, spiritually.  We as moms have all felt at some point or another...utterly alone or feel as though we can't go another day. It doesn't make a difference. Not why would anyone care if we just stopped trying? Right? Well We have felt how hard it is to get up in the middle of the night after you spent the day cleaning, listening to others, and doing everything but taking care of yourself...and as those nights your little one needs you the most. Cuddles, feeding and all...tears seem all to well to meet your cheeks. It is those moments when your driving at a long distance at a time and you hear this sudden fuss that becomes a cry, that then it is louder then the radio itself. The thoughts in your mind become downed out by emotions that step in feeling helpless, your almost to where you need to be. It is hard to figure out just what to do, your phone then begins  to ring...and again your cheeks begin to meet your tears. Let's not forget those days that the list on  your to do list is endless. The house is a mess and your drained...and cuddles seem so much better then just fixing everything that doesn't seem to make a difference...it'll be there after you have this cuddle session anyways. These past few months I have come to learn that a simple smile from such a tiny body can make all the difference. That a picture is worth more memories in it then your memory can hold, let's not forget how much I have learned what different cries mean. It isn't easy. Sometimes I don't know. But in those moments I learn more about what I don't know and what I can do instead of dwelling on the knowledge. I have had to learn that even when my body isn't up to where I know it could be. Having a healthy, happy baby is better then a body that will only last temporary. So I want you to remember that even when today feels like your utterly alone. Take time to regroup and see that your situation is yours to handle. Because your strong enough to handle it!! Keep going. You got this momma! I believe in you. Because someone. Somewhere cares far more then you could ever imagine. Someone wants your situation, they want to be like you. They want to reach out to you. But sometimes the moments we are screaming the loudest aren't when people aren't listening. But it is when we are growing the most!!!