One proud momma

You know, I don't think anyone is ever 100% ready for the love and joy they will feel when they meet their very first child for the first time.. last Monday Dec 22nd my life was forever changed. Down to the contractions, the needles, medication, the nurses and the overwhelming decision to decide the difference between a vaginal delivery and a C section. It takes alot of trust in yourself. Alot in the man up above that bringing a child into this world is the right time. Having my beautiful Graysey-Hope has taught me that I deserve greatness. I deserve love. I deserve to feel that something I've always dreamed my whole life for won't ever be taken away. I have learned taking care of someone else makes you feel alive and wanted...that the gift of what you believe in and know becomes more real. I know that sometimes words can't even explain how you feel...becoming a mom to this beauty has brought out thee very best in me and I wouldn't trade any of my pregnancy for anything in this world. Happy 1 week old Graysey-Hope I love you more then life itself... I am so glad u chose me to be your mom for eternity. We have so much to look forward to in the life and we will together live the life we love...with so many who love and adore u already. Your beauty is recognized more often then not...and you leave ppl always missing you!!:) I'm proud to be you momma!!

YOU deserve great things!

                  Let me just tell you, I never knew what it was like to feel so vulnerable in my life to feel as if I could loose something completely and still at the end of the day be blessed with the one special gift, and this gift I speak of is my little angel...since the day that I found out I was pregnant I never believed that I would raise her, I always felt as though I didnt deserve it, I wasnt ready, I wouldnt be able to know what to do....and throughout the whole pregnancy, the uphill climb it has been, I have learned what it was like to hit rock bottom and move my way up..and in that process of moving up, I have been tested more often then not. Tested that I would talk with my heavenly father when everything felt as though I didnt deserve it..to be specific with him, to allow him to keep his promise in telling me that all my wildest dreams would come true...he has taught me that more often then not that I AM being heard from a loving heavenly father...and with all the priesthood blessings and keeping calm enough to talk with my heavenly father to hear him...I have learned thee most valuable lessons that the things I never thought I would understand, I do. It is almost as if it comes so natural to me. I love that the Lord puts so much trust in me to raise such a beautiful daughter and to allow him to remind me OFTEN that I am beautiful, he is giving me things to remind me that I got this.. that it would be a forever kind of change that he was giving me and  I would never again have to question what that was..I simply just had to look to my children, or more or less my daughter and in her I will/would find my answers to life because they were Gods gift to me when I feel like I just didnt understand...it was gift that I did deserve great things, I did deserve joy, I deserved to smile at the end of everyday no matter how I lived it, I deserved things that didnt always seem like I did. I deserved to have every vaid be filled...I deserved these things not because I was a favorite in Gods life, or because of the way I was..it was just simply a step forward into permanent progression.. I know that I have had to sit back at times and just trust the peace I feel..to allow experiences to just happen...I have had the chance to learn something great as well, and that was that, even when I dont know the outcome or 'WHY'....I have a much better experience then trying to force what isnt.
             I now have the chance to thank the Lord that he knew what he was doing when he gave me a daughter, simply because every time I think that she would be taken away from me...I am always reminded of her grace, to have hope, to believe and most of all to always trust in a God who will give me what I have earned.

Dont let today talk you into giving up!

If I were the one telling you anything about me, I would tell you how stubborn I am, how I fight for everything that I believe in...and I sure hate the word NO. With a world that always surrounds us with emotions, with struggles and challenges that face us on an everyday basis. I am slowly learning the value in appreciating the simple things that come together, the things that matter, the things that I am able to do and not what take away from me. So often it is easy for me to get caught up in all the things that are going wrong and I can feel the things that are going wrong. Specially when it easy to get caught up the mindset that other women around me who are pregnant are able to pay for themselves, the things that they want and need. It is easy for me to get caught up in what is going wrong, I find it easy to get caught up in the emotions of not always knowing what will come next..something about surprises and lack of control scares me, cause I have to let something else lead my life..causes me to put trust in the future. It causes me to turn to family and not always knowing the reaction I will find from them, they have always promised me that they would be there for me and guide me...but it makes me feel vulnerable and scared, I have to look at things a little more hopeful, more positive, and set an example and watch how I react...yet it has taught me to smile more often at what annoys me, I have learned to talk with my baby girl whenever I am going through anything. We have learned to play this new game where I tap on my belly and she will kick back and as we go back and forth...as i learn to talk with her and tell her how beautiful she is, tell her I cant wait to meet her. She will roll and play in my belly like she is just excited as I am.
I know that my situation seems as though I can bare it well and that nothing will seem to go wrong unless I allow it too....but when there are mornings when I wake up and feel like I am failure, that I feel like my little girl deserves a daddy to come home too, that I want someone who will provide for us and take care of us, I have wanted someone who will take away my loneliness and teach me how to be a better person..but you know in all these emotions I feel like it would be so easy to find. I remember that this isnt about finding someone...but you know thru all these emotions I have been reminded thru this whole pregnancy that God must know something that I dont... he knows that I have been prepared longer for this then I realize and that there are people all around me that have it worse then I do and sometimes it just takes me sitting back and being grateful for the simple thought that I am pregnant and I can carry life, it has taught me to smile that baby girl has the little things she needs to be taken care of...that losing 2 jobs, 3 to 4 doctor appointments a week doesnt dictate who I am as a pregnant woman, if anything it refines my story into unique things. Dont forget that the simple things are the things that will remind you to smile.

How to find the words where there not..

I wish that I could find the words that I felt the day that I felt when I set up my little beauties carseat and stroller... I was blessed enough for one thing to receive it from a very dear friend, but it was a complete nother story when I pushed it out the front door and to the sidewalk...the tears began to flow down my face that I soon would be bringing a beauty into this world that I wouldnt be able to just give off to another parent, or would leave at the end of the day..it was so much more then just that. It was the reality that this little girl was going to be my WHOLE world in just a few short weeks..that I would be the one who was going to hold her when she cried and help her understand when nothing else could.. I would be there to feed her and there to bath her...that everything she was going to learn was all up to these very moments I would be having. I was grateful for these feeling, overwhelmed with the love I had felt for her..I never knew how possible it was to love something I hadnt met yet in this life time...and we would be spending every one of these moments together, and thru this carseat and stroller, I would be carrying her around..

Some of my favorite moments with my beauty!

The lines were clear as day... two  lines staring back at me...tellin me that life was ready to hand me somethin I won't ever have taken away from me. As days have passed me by, each moment I learn reaction is everything ..it willl either benefit me, or set me back. It will help me progress or I won't be going anywhere. There are many moments in a pregnancy you will find that feeling scared is a normal feeling, feeling unsure is often common. Learning to trust what you don't know is something you just have to go thru..and the best part of all is that sometimes people know things before you even do..

A sense of relief..

Through the highs and lows of this last trimester I have to tell you that this pregnancy has been the time of my life, I look back on alllll of the moments I have shared with getting to know people and I wouldnt have my life any other way. I have come in contact with people who have taught me what it is like to serve people and expect nothing in return, I have had the chance to filter out my life with all the people who dont belong, I have had the chance to be reminded how special I am and that my story does make a big difference in others lives...that I get the chance to learn what the greatest blessing that I could ever be blessed with. There are times that I see myself as a failure and at the time I am lucky enough to be lifted up by so many people who  allow me to see how great I was created to be and the kind of mom I will be. This past week I have been in numerous amounts of doctor visits, hospital visits and moments that never felt like I was going to catch a breath...literally. When having heart problems, there is so much more that come into play, you have to learn not to get overly emotional about the things that dont matter, you gotta pay attention to every detail of how long something lasts, how is the babys movement being, to what exactly your doing to simply what is triggering it...it doesnt always make sense. It sometimes even takes feeling hopeless... yet the most comforting part that takes place in all of this has been when I get on bended knee and I tell God just where I am at...what I expect to be feeling and what I expect to be grateful for...and the thing I love the most is that God knows about each of his children is... that he doesnt allow us to talk to him for his benefit, but simply because he knows when we can talk about something out loud, it forms a sense of relief. I have found that my biggest form of relief has been thru knowing that this will all be worth it.. this will have the best gift I could ever be given.

This to shall pass..

You know, they tell you that sometimes God will push you until you can't do it anymore and I tell you what...that couldn't be more true then today! I have had a trial and error medications due to having heart problems in the last week ...and every medication has left me feeling as if there is a hopeless solution. Every doctor, every hospital visit, every ultrasound and every time I try and understand why...I plead that God only hears me..that he knows that the idea of life growing inside of me couldn't be more rewarding then it is right now. The fear began with me not knowing what to expect when I went into labor, and the fear of the unknown...questions constantly flooded my mind. No matter how many questions I had, the answers just didn't seem good enough..they didn't take out the power of what each word held... to turning it over to God with an empty belief and heart yearning for some understanding to now have a confidence to know the overwhelming feeling of peace that I will be able to live a long life to raise my stinker.. that my mission on this earth can be filled thru and by her..words can't even explain when someone can find their purpose in this life.. it is incredible what changes inside and you begin to feel like you matter and the assurance that being depended on allows you to grow...that I will be able to watch her grow up and I will have that chance to be her mother..that every moment she will ever go thru will be the ones we share together, that we find out together. The feeling of confidence I have in that brings me reassurance, brings me to calm my mind...Cause nobody can take away that accept me and the choices I'll make. Yet as my peace has been tested and confidence of what I'm holding onto...an  EKG monitor that doesn't cooperate well, has brought a frustration and  misunderstanding that nothing I do works... it makes me feel out of control and what's left in my hands will not be tangible... All I want to understand at this moment is if not now...when will she come...whether I am ready or not. I can have the reassurance I have been prepared 9 long moments for this very day! And when will I begin to understand what people are making seem like it's not a big deal..bring me a peace of mind that it is a form of protection that people are doing for me.. that I will be able to be filled with overwhelming gratitude someday soon..and until then the little things are somethin to be looked at..the things I don't get will be understood and even if they dont, they really won't matter. I have found thru every trial and error that I have greater confidence in my princess, confidence that her heart is healthy, that the way she gets excited and the way she responds to the people she is around...I know she will simply be a blessing to everyone she meets...and at the end of everyday that ends restless I have a great assurance that I'll be okay, that I can do this, that I have it in me to fight, to scare the crap out of the meds that don't work and train my heart that I am in control...that no matter how many times it tells me it's fragile I am reminded that it's up to me to remember how strong somethin can be. I am reminded that I have the power. I have the control. I have the ability to make weak things become strong.

Receiving the greatest gift

When the moment is staring you right in the face...that you cant even grab it.. how do you trust that what you see is gonna be yours? That your gonna be blessed with, something so incredible? That your gonna have something that won't leave you, that won't give up on you, that you become someone's whole world and nobody else in the world is more important to them than YOU! How overwhelming is it when you know someone wants to have you hold their hand when they're scared, they want you to be the one who kisses the booboo. That they want you to be the first one who hears alllll about their first thing. That you will be the one from the very beginning to the very end...that you will be the only person who makes the hard days, better just simply because of YOUR wisdom..that you will be the one person who they depend on and nobody in the world could EVER come close....that is what a mom is all about. That is what it's like to become a mom. When eyes speak to you that have longed to meet you.. that a little voice can melt your whole world because it salitifies who YOU are..that you aren't just another person to them! In each of these moments, you will be grateful you went to every doctor appointment, you will feel like you gained somethin from every moment you felt you wasted someone's time. It will all become CLEAR to you, just as the rain comes in to clear the darkest clouds..you will then know that every thing was worth it, she wasn't the cause of why all this had to happen, she just wanted her mommy to be okay.. she just wanted her mommy to know it's gonna be okay..she just wanted every kick to remind you that it's all gonna be worth it... You will be grateful that someone could trust you so much with such a tiny thing..it will not matter to you what you lost and what walked out...it will not matter every moment that made you feel like lonely. It will not matter to you every person who hurt you... all that will be important to you is that you see a smile on that precious face. That you will meet someone's needs by a kiss, holding them, feeding them or even changing the setting of a room alll by an attitude. Every moment that you have ever felt like you just can't do it anymore...every moment that you felt it wasn't gonna end...every moment you cried cause you were so scared. Every moment you held your breath to speak up...every moment that didn't ever feel it could end... every moment you felt utterly vulnerable, naked, out of control...every time you didn't understand why.. every single time it felt like it couldn't get any worse then what is going on...I promise you that first cry. That first time she will be placed in YOUR arms after hours of contractions, pushing and change...nothing else in the world will ever matter. Nothing else will ever measure that feeling...that feeling to know you had created LIFE! you truly do matter that much to someone and your existence is more then enough. More then just another fill in the blank. Far more then a mistake could ever be. Far more then just another person. You will exist. You will matter. You will feel alive, the reason to be alive to make someone want to face everything day in and day out, you will feel like YOU  matter, you will feel ur ability to teach makes a difference in who they will become and who they're gonna be...you will feel important cause let's be honest nothing in the world has a better then feeling depended and trusted with an outcome ..this is why becoming a mom is the greatest blessing in the whole world. :)