One step at a time

You know, as I was reflecting on all the different changes my life has made within these past 8 months of being pregnant....from the things I felt I had control over..to losing it alll to have a better life and trust in a bigger plan...,  to where my life was two years ago on November 19th the situations are so different,  the lessons I've had to learn are different and the trust in myself has become something greater..not just cause of the reliance others have on me..but now that I put my self worth into what I believe I am worth..I now trust that whether someone agrees with me or not, that I am confident in what I am sayin and doing...to now be looking at life that it isnt just where my mindset has grown and come thru...it's more like what steps did I take to get there?  That one step at a time is sometimes the only way we can make it truly daily experiences. They are things that feel like we're accomplishing something...it is taking every moment as if you have to put one foot in front of the other and trust where it's going to get you. You gotta trust that every fear can be settled with peace with a simple question of asking to calm your mind from a higher being....To the other extreme of learning that just cause it isn't said...doesn't mean that it isn't happening. It truly is incredible with specific people walk into our lives and make thee biggest impact on our hearts at the exact time we need it and never does that happen out of coincidence.. its like their example and who they are was somethin words can't describe at the perfect timing it all was. It's amazing how on the worst kind of days, does a simple smile bring so much gratitude...that their is always good people in the world...and how a friendly hello can make quite the difference in someone's day, sometimes even noticing somethin so small and important to someone can make someone feel like that they matter...and everything around them is important to you as well.  We truly will never know the impact we can make on someone until it is done to us....we don't realize how simple life can be until a baby is brought into this world and it teaches us all about time, how we have so much power in us to create something,  how people remember the things we tell them because of how it made them feel...that people trust our opinions because of our confidence in it. Don't ever forget that everything your doing is somehow gonna make a difference in someone's world!!

God has a hand in this..

I have found that if there is anything in this world I can control.  It is my water in take and my prayers that I send up to God...and the things that both of them have in common is that I will stay hydrated on every level.  From the moment my pregnancy started it has taught me how to not look at just today,  tomorrow or a few months down the road. It has caused me to not focus so much on what is going wrong and focus on all the things that can possibly go right. I have found that both of these things will bring me some sort of response to my life that I need right now. My baby has gave me some of thee greatest blessings I could ever ask for...with moments that only her and I have shared. She has taught me from the beginning that this relationship is about the two of us..that both of us are qualified for so much love for each other surrounded and by all different typses of people. my baby girl has taught me to get on bended knee often when I feel as though nothing in life make sense, that her simple and such sweet spirit shows me how often she is coming directly from heaven and from people who understands where my heart is at. That every step is a milestone to remind me that time doesn't hold still. That I just gotta keep pressing forward. I have to keep believing that as easy as it is to get stuck in thinking things aren't going anywhere. They are. Because every week brings me a bigger belly, more movement and stretching.. it has brought me more growth closer to my father in heaven, more inspiration of what his plan is for me and a deep gratitude that his timing is the best thing in my life...no matter where I am at. I have no doubt in my mind that as there are moments that shake me up in feeling, am I ready for this? Can I do this? What if all these fears come true? I have found that fear is what sets me back from seeing the most amazing miracles of alll...The ones that surround me, the ones that teach love, kindness, understanding and humility....but specially the ones where this isn't the only part of life that I'll ever know. There is so much more then this. There is gonna be times that things didn't go as planned or things didn't work out like I wanted..but the greatest part of both of them is when I finally do see WHY...and it all comes together, do I then know that every step I am making planned or not...it has a purpose,  thru the ppl I come in contact me, the lessons I learn and the appreciate of thee most simply blessing. I truly know in some way shape or form that anything is possible. It is just believing in the process that someone bigger then us...knows and understands. Not because that's the easy thing to believe in, but because it brings thee most peace in my heart.

Preterm labor

Preterm labor?  (11.14-11.15.14)
Something I'd like to call that this is so out of anyone's control...it honestly brings u to stop everything you are doing in a matter of minutes and the only voice that makes you possibly feel calm... is a mother knowing exactly what to say. A prayer being set up to God simply asking him to ease every fear. Every worry and every concern. Yet as he does that, have I found that I have been able to relax. I have been able to stay calm and I've been able to put trust in myself that what my body is doing isn't exactly normal and normal all at once..The third trimester is where the body is taking everything from you...and it is making you feel so unsure of every thing... But I have found i am in tune with my body enough to know what is going on...as i walked into the hospital the past two days I haven't always known what to expect. The worst. The best. Am I over reacting? What will the nurses be like? Will I walk out of here with some clarity...  This preterm labor has caused contractions,  sharp pains, a feeling of dilating that I never knew I could feel, it felt like pressure that I couldn't control..and amongst all those things emotions have been high...being scared,  the unknown has put me feeling unsure of the outcome of anything. But belief in everything is possible.. That has caused me to believe in God in a whole new way..he doesn't always answer right away...but my goodness does he listen to allow me to get everything off my chest..he has helped me being scared to calm do to the moments when they measure me being dilated. It is not comfortable when they use their fingers,  they have to go up pretty high to figure out if the baby is coming down...and it specially doesn't help after not having sex in over 7 months... It has been scary gettin shots in the butt that cause a stinging sensation and of all the things you hear from what ppl have gone thru..being stuck with an IV and the feeling that something cold is going thru ones veins isn't something words can really say other then a feeling of hydration..with every nurse I have felt a different feeling from the prick inside my arm...but I think the thing that scared me the most is when I didn't feel my baby girl move often today....The pain I would rather endure instead of her..The feelings of being unsure with my body is far better then her being here and not knowing....but how active she is on , she drains me most of the time...so today was one of those times it felt more pain then most days. But after two days of all of these things. I now feel more prepared for labor,  I have more trust that I can talk to God more often to trust in his timing of when my baby girl is going to come...and trust in my baby girl that she may have a mind of her own..but she is smart. She knows what's going on.. she tests her name quite often. ..and I know that as long as I don't let fear step in...things come together and I then allow better things to come out of the end result.

Moments of carrying life

Bananas, hot dogs, french fries, salsa...what is this you say? Stomach tightens, tired all the time...as if I haven't slept in years. Food cravings it feels as though I can't control...bathroom? Where is one? Food? You name it...water? Where is my wonder woman cup? Fat? Clothes don't fit? What's that you say? Welll this is what people don't tell you when you get pregnant...you don't hear about the every 2 hours of getting up and going the bathroom in the middle of the night. The times that you would rather shop for your baby, cause clothes are cheaper, clothes seem cuter and seem as though they would fit longer then what I'll ever fit in..days are getting closer, the count down begins. Do I get scared? Do I get excited? is it even worth thinking about? Well I can tell you that thee emotions are bound to happen regardless, annoyed, crying and angry.. it's all gonna happen at once. It will feel as though you wont be able to control any emotions. But amongst all these things you don't hear when getting pregnant. No emotions can be put on the fact that in a matter of weeks a belly can go flat to a bump..to a bump to an oh my gosh where did this come from? To the fishy flatter in the belly..to the gas feeling that a baby is in there, to all of a sudden one day where your belly LOOKS like it has something that is gonna bulge it's way out of you..it's hard when mornings go from throwing everything up the night before..to nothing sounding good with fear you may throw it up to where you will wake up and she will be sitting on your bladder and it feels as though everything is going to fall out of you...to where it feels as though she could kick my rib out of place..it is amazing the strength of her little body already has... it is thee most overwhelming feeling at the end of the day though to know that you get to be a momma...and when you Find a doctor who mows every fear,  insecurity and things that don't make sense.  It sure makes everything in the world feel alright. From personal experience i have been extremely blessed to find a doctor who makes light hearted of all of the things I feel like don't seem normal, he makes me laugh and turns every experience I'm going thru to see how we can make it a reality show and will answer any questions I have no matter how it sounds in my head...it's like he gets it. He knows most times then not I am just scared and will helps me feel okay again. Sooo at the end of the day..let's just say being pregnant isn't always what it seems..but nothing comes close to the moments I get tired of crying. I feel like nobody understands and feeling her movement brings nothing but comfort to know I am doin the best job I can and being blessed to become a mother is the best blessing anyone has ever gave me!

Scatter brained!

You wanna know the best part of being pregnant? The best part to me has been reactions. No matter who they are coming from..Cause I tell you what when the anger sets in that you feel like a screw up because nothing has gone as planned...nothing has been within my control...which most times then not it leaves me without reasons..but  Reactions to my belly have taught me not every look is what I think it is..reactions to the way I chose to carry myself often feels that everyone can see every wound. Every ache. Every pain. But you wanna know somethin...ppl only see our strengths...They only see what we allow them to see,  the way I get looked at and sometimes I get looked down upon..I also get looked up to for fighting every single day that my baby girl will not have a dysfunctional family to come too..she willl be surrounded by so much love around her...The hardest part is when I have to teach myself what truly matters and what doesn't..As well as finding that I say who. I say when. I say what... that brings power. That brings security. That brings hope that what I allow into my future is entirely up to every decision I will make today.  How do you know the difference of what's in my control and what will just happen? Well I have found the only way I have or ever will know the difference is...do I make excuses? Do I let the excuses control me? Do I fight past everything I am feeling and still continue on.. do I still try and find the positive? Most times out of the day the answer has always always been yes, i am positive and no nothin controls me accept me... Yes I am exhausted. My feet are swollen alot faster then I can even keep up with. Bending down doesn't have any explanation accept the fact that I can't....emotions are the exact say way. I don't have control..Most times I cry because something touches me...because I don't understand it and there are other times that emotions feel like such a rush..that the only sense of control I have is, let it be what it is...and I find hope in that...things turn out better. Things that I never felt were possible become possible. I feel a sanity in what I am doing. I let what I can't control to be what is. I also feel more happiness and excitement as I see my belly roll, as my belly has little taps that are consistent and I find she feels as I do...she eats as I do...and every bit of that is up to me...it's up to the relationship I have with God..up to what I am learning today...The beauty in such a gift how can I ever deny that I get to show him as often as I can what it means to me...and he knows that not everyday will be perfect. Not everyday I'll have things go as planned...not every moment will like I always imagined it too.. but things will be even better..things will be even more serial. You know tho. I have to tell you I truly believe she's coming around Christmas time...and in the next few weeks will teach me how strong I am..it will teach me how things are possible. It will teach me exactly what hope is..what peeing is..what being hungry is..how breathing is important to me...how her kicks matter to me..how voices will affect her..how everyone's opinion of what a mother I'll be, will become..Real! In moments every thing I never thought I could do will mean I can. Everything that said I couldn't stay calm will say I can. Everything that told me I thought was the unknown Will suddenly become known. 

What if...

What if I told you that one day someone was going to come into your life and change every negative belief you've ever had about yourself...that you would some how be someone's reason to be alive and what they've been searching their whole lives to find...and simply why they wanted to be around you was because they saw every wound you had as something that lead you together and they wouldn't change anything about you? Wouldn't every thought inside of you say, why me? I didn't deserve this? I'm in no position to accept this? But what if it wasn't a blessing or a gift...it was an earning of every heartache you've gone thru, every time you got the answer no, it was there to tell you that you no longer were gonna lose something good in your life...that you no longer were gonna feel what's good and have it taken from you..You were no longer gonna feel what it was like to be given someone of something you have always wanted and have it be taken...that you never again were gonna have to change to fit someone else's mold of what they wanted you to be or who they even thought you were or could be...that they would see you as you WERE and everything you HAD been and wanted to BE...right by your side thru and thru with everything that you WOULD be is where they would always stand....that this time they wouldn't go anywhere, they wouldn't punish you for all the mistakes that you have felt were your biggest regrets. They wouldn't put you down on your hardest days, because you had a moment of ranting and raving...they'd simply smile with you, they laughed with you sometimes at you just to get your mind off the heartache that no words could fix..sometimes they talk bout any problems you had as long as you wanted to talk about them...not to shut down the conversation and never bring it up again..but they did it because they knew in the end..somewhere,  somehow there would be a smile that radiates as the much as the sun shines..As much as the shooting star reminds us that we can make wishes...This kind of love didn't need recognition, gratitude or  even a reason of why everything felt better..this kind of love was simply because they wanted you to feel that everything you have possibly done for people was finally gonna come back to you, that you would be given every possible reason to smile again. To feel alive. To feel like you exist. To feel like you are feeling again and to feel as though you can become passionate about somethin that would last..and  it would help you become who you always knew you would Be...

God doesn't limit us

You know I've thought of countless ways to know how to start this post and what would be best to say...what words would I use to explain what I am going thru...and the only thing I could feel to explain how incredible it is to feel life growing inside of you...from the movement, to the hiccups, to just her gettin bigger and the things she does I become even more aware of...by the way she kicks my bladder or the way she pushes her butt up into my ribs...or even the times that I can't hold it anymore to go the bathroom...or even the way bending over to tie my shoes or to shave...it feels like a marathon. It reminds me how every little bit of energy I putting into myself, it is coming out in one way or another. It simply opens up my eyes to know we each need life, and the power God has to allow our bodies to take each breath is simply incredible and thru us we are able to provide that for someone else who is preparing to come to this earth..it isn't always easy to look at life as a single step at a time...it often times when your so use to planning out life, makes you feel like your an awful person/parent because you have to take things like a grain of salt..you've got to let it come and go...but also most of the time we have to cry things out to get us to the next experience to come to understand no amount of worry can change a circumstance and no amount of struggle will make things turn for the better...it is all within our attitudes, do we then find gratitude,  perspective,  understanding and most of all do we feel like it possible to feel like we can be carried thru to our next circumstance and situation. We then don't dwell on what isn't and we focus on what is... we allow ourselves to receives what often God waits to give us...that he can only give things to people who want it...and sometimes even to the ones who don't deserve it..and not because he looks at us any less then his children..but simply because God understands that our mood doesn't limit our blessings. It limits our gratitude and perspective.