My situation is mine, cause I CAN handle it!

Life has a way of handing us the things that we can handle..but what it doesn't come with is the details of why they come..we find all that out with every step we take in the direction we take. We can't guarantee any prediction we make of the future. I can tell you that the impressions we receive aren't always for our own benefit. But there are times life comes along and we have to take time to care about ourselves,  we have to take time to fix what is broken. I am learning somethin valuable lately and it has caused me to take a second look at myself when they say you can fake it til you make it...it's not always the case in life. We have to study it out, we have to trust in what is.
My little ray of sunshine has taught me how grateful I am for the situation  I am in and this gratitude isn't just by walking up every morning with a thankful heart...it has gone much deeper then that. It has taught me that having to check my blood sugar levels four times a day is a lot better then having a baby in the hospital, a lot better then having my little girl taken from me, it has made me to appreciate that as hard as it is to not share every experience with a man...that I am grateful that I will be the one who gets to experience all her firsts, I will be the one working one on one with God of how to be thee very best mother...how to be the kind that takes care of myself and still makes my little angel the number one priority she was born to be... I know that people have seen since day one what a great mother I'd one day be...but u know I never knew that existed cause fear kept me going. It's kept me believing in things moving forward until recently with utter prayer of pleading that God would teach me how to be patient with myself, how he would teach me how to allow my confidence in me to shine..and not just what people believe to be. Through all of these different experiences thru my pregnancy...my favorite thing of it all has been learning about the growth she is going thru to get here to be with me...that her little heart is the size of a quarter, her little hands go into the shape of an 'I love you' sign just reminding me of how she knows the little things her uncle's/great great grandparents do...how her little body has hiccups, and how voices she has never heard won't be her reason of listening and the ones she is aware of that she will still continue to do her thing. I love that nothing about her is made up by how people want her to be...that she holds herself strong, and I see that by the way she holds a hand close to her heart and the other always by her face with her little legs crossed and being a little lady. How can you be any more excited then simply knowing that your own daughter is smart, beautiful and her own person.

Seeking peace within

Day one passes by...nothin! Day two passes...should of been somethin...but nothin again...day three is here and the news is about to make or break my day...feeling scared,  unsure, in denial, the voice on the other line tells me that your whole world is getting ready to change...ready or not! I didn't ever believe that when I got pregnant this little girl would put "hope" more to the test then lately....and when I say that, it simply is the ray of sunshine that comes out after sitting in the darkness and nothing has seemed to go your way. On October 27th my whole world changed..the way I ate, how much I exercised would determine how much I would either deal with my body reacting to food or me choosing what to eat and not allowing the food to control me. Having diabetes when your pregnant puts a whole another emotion on you...In a whole new way. You simply feel limited,  you don't understand,  and you become more sensitive to how others handle your situation. I knew going into this trimester that it would be the long stretch...what I wasn't prepared for was the emotions that came with it all.. I wasn't expecting the times I would need to keep the tissues a little closer then I normally would,  I would need to keep a close friend around to allow me to vent out every frustration,  every misunderstanding and someone who pulled out the good in every situation I was given... my pregnancy is teaching me to appreciate the way things are going and look at things as empowerment and life experiences. They have taught me to smile at life when it throws out every possibility it can't happen.. it's taught me to trust what I don't understand is a lesson I am goin to learn when the timing is exactly right and I've gained the experience to hear the news. I truly believe we are taught who we are at the right timing and the right experiences.. and some of the greatest things we learn is finding peace within ourselves and not getting so caught up in what isn't and find what is... we then in a matter of seeking peace do we allow it to overflow in our lives to be calm in circumstances that don't come with all the answers.

In what form are your blessings coming in?

You know it can be quite overwhelming when you can't reach something you know will benefit you in some way or another...I have also learned how frustrating it can be when you just want to know how the health of your child is.. you wanna see how big she is and how she is forming..and no matter what anyone says,  it doesn't take away any fear that could possibly run thru your mind. I have found at the end of every moment to consider that she is alive, that she is growing by her kicks daily and it's up to me to keep her as strong and healthy as possible. I can only keep as positive as I possibly can...there have been so many times that I have wanted to just say screw it all..why bother even look at the positive. But you know the best blessings that come out of being positive...it not only makes you personally feel better..but it draws attention to what's going right and you find in those moments who really cares to know what's going on or better yet who is noticing what is going on. It can be as simple as asking how I am..to touching my belly and letting me know that you notice this little squirm worm growing.  You know as much as I could tell you how hard it has been doing this on my own and learning to accept a new plan for my life then I ever had planned..I have had service be given to me, I have met people I never knew existed, I have had conversations with people that have taught me I had motherhood cut out for me..that I would be a natural..and you know I tell you that is probably one of thee hardest things to believe in when your brand new at something. When you don't know what could possibly even be normal. Well in and all of this being said something I can't deny is how involved God is and how excited I am that him and I get to regain a relationship that we once had in heaven and get to see it come alive again.. I get to learn how to trust in God when everything in me wants to feel like it isn't possible...he helps me regain trust..to believe in things that i can't see. If there is anything I've learn to grow out of this whole thing is just cause ppl don't ask doesn't mean they don't care, that everything I feel to tell people is a prompting to bless someone's life and if I am angry the only person that suffers is myself... so let's be honest live a life up to all hour expectations,  dream because you can, and have hope because it only comes when you don't let fear overrule your life.

I can't keep calm...I'm in my third trimester!

You know, late nights like tonight when I lay in bed and my mind wanders of alll the possibilities of....what will it be like to meet her, what will it be like to hold her for the first time, what will it be like to see her eyes open up as she listens to my voice...tears stream down my face as I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of becoming a mom and how my late nights will consist of rocking a little angel to sleep, watching how such a precious life could possibly be given to me...watching her eyes flutter as she dreams the night away...late nights where she will wake just to be fed...or simply be held..she reminds me that I never believed that I would be laying here at this time of night watching every movement to her trying to get comfortable...she knows exactly when bed time is...and just when the night comes to a silent night,  to the sun raising and playing a little game her and I recently started playing...that you cant deny of how smart and wonderful she already is...what a sweet little spirit that has taught me how to remind me the simplicity of trusting who I am again and how God is ever so near in my life...consistent, constant and unchanging. how could I not feel blessed when my mind reflects on every little miracle that has taken place in my life. With moments that await for me, I absorb the moments now that take me back and help me see just how near God is...how close he is... I never thought I could understand him more as a father until the day I became a mother..and realized what love he has for us as his child...and why he has done alll that he has and how easy it all is to comprehend...yet so overwhelming that someone we know and haven't seen face to face in this life time could possibly love us so deeply...that to me sets me back in a whole new way...I couldn't possibly imagine ever not being able to meet my baby girl or hear from her! It truly makes me want to regain that relationship I had once in heaven with God...to be regained with the understanding that no matter what I do...he will love me anyways. He truly has blessed me in such a way, as my little angel takes me back to the simple things....I am reminded of how we all just want that. Someone to notice us..someone to love us...someone to recognize who we are...and someone who will just tell us how it's all going to be okay. I truly know the impact of speaking what we feel, what we see...is ever so important...just cause it's not important to you doesn't mean it isn't important to someone else...but don't forget in that, just cause someone doesn't ask...doesn't mean they don't care... sometimes the way ppl respond to us is simply based on they're knowledge of the experiences they've been handed...not based on your personal beliefs about yourself...ppl don't go out of they're ways to respond to your life do to the knowledge they know. Some call it gifts to the respond with loving genuine heart....I simply call it character. We are taught to become all that we are..but its up to us what we let shape us into what we're designed to be and what we chose to let us progress when it is so simple to regress. Try to not get caught up and what isnt...and focus on all that what is...you'll be amazed on how you much relief you'll feel when you don't let others affect your response.

God loves you MORE than you know!

My life has taught me lately that I am just getting by and things are just good enough...and you know for the first time tonight I have come to the point in my life where I just want to move beyond that. I am learning to change my attitude towards complaining and have tried to make it a life that I love telling people about. I don't like feeling like I am not enjoying this pregnancy. They're is alot that I just don't understand that I wish I did. Sometimes when the answers are just so obvious....it frustrates me that I wish I just understood. I look at the science of things and it's so simple. But you know what. I tell you pregnancy is nothing like it seems. It is hard when late at night nothing is comfortable. When your baby is so sweet to you and kicks at all the right times....it often time makes me feel like how could God ever bless me...how could  he give me such a special gift and trust me that I won't screw it up. It's like I am more worried of the kind of mom I'll be verses how much God trusts me... Cause all I can think of is what if I make a mistake...what if I don't put her needs always above own. Will she hate me one day. Will she consider me a great mom even when I don't have a guy for her to come home too. I think of how I hard it is when I work an 8 hour day and I am so tired that all I can do is complain about how bad my belly is growing....when reality how harsh I am on my self is completely unnecessary. Some how I'm sure God understands how human I am...that he understands how imperfect I am and that my life won't always be in the order I believe it should be. I have come to understand that I am struggling to know how to handle my out of control life. Everyone has such an impact in my life and they're opinions hit hard....they are something I take deeper than I thought I ever believed possible... how the the value of someone is held at a different level. I have found how easy it Is to cut people out..and just let them leave.. I don't take time to try and understand why people have the opinions they do... I find myself attaching my heart to the genuine people I know will be there..but to the people who can't even hold a conversation without it going deeper then the surface and a conversation where I know I'd be highly talked about or where I feel comfortable after the conversation is over. I don't want those type of people around that i dont get those things from..the ones that won't ask the hard questions. The ones that dont want to know what got me to where I am.. and in all of this I have grown to believe that the ones who are around..care! I now see the people I trust...I know have people I defend... I now have people I have expectations that need to be met. I now have a different outlook on maturity. I have a new outlook for what love is suppose to feel like whenever I miss someone. Whenever I need them... I see how people respond now when I need them and people who thoughtful care to say things. My baby has taught me all of this is such a short few months... I now hold people at a level of what busy looks like and what a conversation should FEEL like. I now have come to believe the way I am feeling and promptings I get always always need an action to take place... sure enough no matter how simple it is to me..I never know what a difference it's making...yet reactions have taught me what a difference my words make. I have come to believe that just because people aren't telling me...doesn't me it isn't going on..doesn't mean that people don't care...doesn't mean people don't notice....doesn't mean I'm not making a difference..I can't control what people say to me or dont...just as my opinion or judgment isn't changing God's outlook..he knows what he's doin and I can't take that away from him..just as i can't take away anything from someone i love..

These are the times

You know I don't know if my writing makes much of a difference in someone's life...but I believe that maybe just someday my writing will become viral...to the point where everyone around the world will know of my ability to speak from the soul....to say what ppl are thinking and can't always find the words to say. That being said...tonight as I watch time pass me by...it's a new day, 30 minutes already into it...it's a spotless day.  No mistakes have been made...no conversation I've encountered that may shape my day for the better or not...and no person have I met that I've tried to impact to make they're day a little better....Instead I lay in bed.  6 and a half months pregnant, lonely and emotional as a girl can get.  I never believed that I would be that one girl who got pregnant out of wedlock. Sometimes I believe that people have labeled me as 'that girl' but in the past few months I've come to realize of what a label is...and it truly sets us up to be this person and doesn't allow us room to be anything other then that...and well what kind of life is that? Where is your motivation,  your room to breath and be all you can be, when that label pretty much says what someone made up they're opinion about... we each have endless opportunities, mistakes we get to make and trials we will all go thru..and I have never been more grateful than who I view myself as...and labels are only up to me at the end of the day! I can't change the way someone may see something. I can't influence someone else's mood into how I want them to respond differently...and more importantly it's not up to me to limit someone of all the possibilities that are in this world.
Being pregnant out of wedlock has endless rewards to it. I wouldn't trade my situation for anything in this world. I love that the end of everyday my baby girl will be with me, that the time we share together of late nights trying to get comfortable whether that be her in my belly doing that or me in my bed.. I have been able to share mornings with her, reminding her of the beauty she ALREADY carries. That in and of itself has left me lucky enough to love my body more then I ever have...where I am comfort with a few pimples on my face, my belly getting bigger and the scale telling me that there is a baby growing inside of me...I have taught myself to fight against what I normally wouldn't do by finding a 'will' in allllll things..by focusing on what IS instead of what ISN'T...and well at the end of everyday I now carry a self reflection of who I am as a woman...I am now happy of what I see...Cause little did I know....every habit, every decision, every little thing I will do, becomes a behavior my beauty will learn thru and by me...what more of an overwhelming/exciting time then just that. It truly makes me take a second look of the people I am allowing to influence my progression,  the type of people I allow in my life and if they are the kind of people I want to reflect of who I am as a woman..
Pregnancy definitely has taught me a whole new part of me that I never knew...thru every physical attribute I am developing down to the emotional end of it all...Specially when it comes to reaction to the things I allow to affect my mood and response to life's situations. At the end of every day it truly matter what I allowed myself to move forward in what I'm doing and not what i allowed to bring me  down...Cause let's be honest, people will always hold how you responded to things, to dictate your character. (Think about it..itll always stay in your mind) Make sure what your doing, is who you want to be remembered as....Cause like it or not. You are going to remembered for something in this lifetime...Specially in someone's world..whether that be the standard they hold someone too, whether it be what someone wants to be or doesn't want to be...or it simply be that stepping stone that got them to where they are...I promise you, you wouldn't be nearly the person you are today if it wasn't for every tiny little thing that this life made you of all that you are.

Simply Progression

Everything begins and ends with YOUR reaction, actions and how you view yourself!I dont believe that the answer no has ever been in my vocabulary, tell me that it isnt possible for me to do something and I promise you that everytime I will show you how possible it is for me to do.You know growing up I always found that my mom was my best friend, she was someone who said the right things, the one I told all my secrets too, the one I counted on to validate me, the one that taught me what beauty was, the one that taught me how to forgive the people who pass judgement, the people who lie to us, let them empower you, she has taught me that the most important thing as a woman is to know your worth...and these are the qualities I want my baby girl to learn as these tutu's are placed on her...I want her to look back and see the sacrifice, love, and the important role of what the word Hope means.

I have learned in this pregnancy that in a matter of a moment anything is possible of changing, specially when it comes to the physical aspect of it all. I have found the tightness means growth, that the voices of what she is told, babies respond. I have grown to learn the intelligence comes from all that I teach her, thru words, how I respond and react and what I allow.
 I have grown to find that as my Hope grows inside my heart, she gets bigger and people begin to notice. I have grown to appreciate comments that others around me make. I have grown to look for Angels and the form that they come in, I have found how easy it is to become distracted, I know that everything has a pattern and a reason. I have grown to open my heart to listen to my heart and the inspiration I so often feel and help bring the joy of it to others lives. I allow myself to ask for the things that I need and become vulnerable when someone wants to help me. I try to find the beauty in my belly growing and not focus on the pain it can cause and the uncomfortableness that I find.
The reality of becoming a mommie is becoming more evident to me daily. Not only thru my belly growing. But as the countdown tells me that I will put someone above me everytime, that I will plan my day more efficiently, that I will become more aware of my surroundings, that my heart will feel more love then I am even capable of picturing at this moment. 
It truly amazes me what a year ago can change, thru the smiles, the hair growth, the daily choices I made, what I am doing with my life and who I am living my life for and what I want to be. It has taught me in an instant that the way I view my body, my mindset, my choices, my value, my worth can change by a simple word called unconditional love.