Simple in God's precious miracles

Today on Sept 21st I celebrate being 6 months pregnant and the realization of my beauty, who I am, who I want to be and who I will be slowly has become more apparent to me almost daily. More then anything in this world do I want to meet my baby girl, I feel so often that I miss her, I want to know who she is, I want to know what she about...and for the first time I have come to reality that she is all mine, that how I raise her, how I teach her, and what she will be is up to me. How that makes me SO excited, and overwhelming at the same time to know what she will be is all up to me and what I introduce her too. It makes me want to find different things that she will become someone loves herself as she IS and doesn't need anything else to determine what she will be. I want her to be someone who wants to help people and has her priorities of what really is important, wants to be everyone's friend no matter where they come from or what they look like, who SHINES and will be a dancer that can express herself thru the words of her body that isnt used in a negative way. That she will laugh and smile and enrich others lives, that she will keep her heart open and pure. Can you picture it? It overwhelms my heart with so much joy that I get to be so blessed.
      In all those feelings of wanting this for my daughter, I find myself asking the questions on the opposite end of all this, cause lets be real not every single day is easy, not every day leaves me feeling like its gonna be simple. So these are the kind of things that run thru my mind when I dont talk about what it is I am thinking about... Have you ever just sat there wondering if anyone cared about you? How could your problems matter to someone, when as worse as it gets for you, is a simple feeling of being lonely, frustrated and just plain emotional...but you know as much as I want to say those are simple feelings, they really are complex. They take alot of will power, self control, learning when to speak up and when not too but also to know HOW to act upon them, where am I suppose to go with them. It has taught me when to reach out and when I need to figure things out for myself. I haven't always been the greatest example of how relationships should be handled, its part of why I sit in the situation I do...where everything isnt perfect, where it isnt in a marriage and the "fairy tale" ending. You know in a perfect world I would of planned my life out differently then I have lived it, but you know when I look at how AMAZINGLY blessed I am, from the things given to me without a second thought, strangers who dont even know me reach out, when I have had to apply more faith to the outcome of things then my fear, to know that I am healthy and continue to be, that whenever there are road blocks, there is always a way around, over it or under it. That thinking things could get worse, only limits us to what is going right....and in all of these things I have found my new dream, my new found Hope, but more then ever who God is to me and how incredible it is to me that he cares SO deeply and not once does he change that due to our choices, struggles or circumstances. He stays loving, kind, teaching us to be our best and putting people in our paths for the simple reminder, he loves us and that'll never change.
        I know reading this it probably has reminded you that you have felt like some of the greatest things you have in your life or have been apart of your life, can seem to good to be true... at some point in your life... So I want you to try something that I have often caught myself doing by pulling my mind of the train of thought and find what 'Hope' feels like again by seeing it thru the sun shining, the birds that peck at the floor to find food, ducks that let water just flow off their back freely. In all of that, I have captured those little moments of simplicity, my baby girls feet, kick to the lower part of my belly, to have her put her butt up in the corner of my belly just to get comfortable, to feel every moment that I celebrate her becoming. To have a chance to crave foods I use to hate and to open my world to another world of food. That to me is no doubt that a God does exist, to always remind us the details really do matter to him.
  

Which gender is going to be my first Child....?

When I look at these pictures SO many things run thru my mind... her personality, her tenderness, her love that she shows, the way this baby teaches me how much you can love something SO small,  the way that this baby moves to voices and to sounds, how this baby has opened my heart...and has been soften for SO many different reasons! I have struggled since the day I got pregnant to get insurance, from different states to different circumstances, being around different friends and family, and from my financial situations to wondering how I am gonna take care of this little one...if I can barely take care of myself, prayers always seem to go up..and what seems to change! But lately I have found, its not the answers I have wanted...its the answers that have come, are ones that I never expected...ones are better blessings that I could of ever dreamed of myself. As simple as someone telling me how beautiful I am, telling me I was in their thoughts, coming by to visit, informing me news, by a simple smile, people who come up to me and told me that everything is going to be okay and I was going to get thru it!
Well I have to tell you in my world with so many emotions I am having to strengthen as my financial turns into something new. My first ultrasound that was going to finally change everything no matter what it was going to bring me good news....It all happened so fast, first things first we began by talking to different girls at the school. (Because since I cant afford anything, I was informed if you live in AZ you are able to go to the school and get free Ultrasounds) Well the fun began when in an instant when up on the screen I saw my babies head..it covered the whole screen. HOW could this be! My baby was HUGE..with so many emotions that ran thru my mind... all I wanted to know is what gender could possibly be. I was praying for a girl...I have been around brothers my whole life and well for so many reasons I could tell you why it needed to be a little girl...
I am pleased to announce...ITS A GIRL!
I can not wait to bring this little girl into the world. She is changing my life, she is a scrim worm, she is a teaching me to have Hope, she gets everything in my body to change, she is the reason I wake up, she is the reason I cant wait for whats ahead..she surprises me everyday. She is smart, she is shy, she makes me wanna eat foods that I never would of wanted if it wasnt for her! She has definitely made me even more happy and excited of my fetish for TINY things. :)